Relationship Bashes

All I want is a woman who can  kill a few zombies for me & then make me dinner, is that really too much to ask?

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LOVE TIP: Don't get too close to your partner in pictures so they don't look retarded when you crop them after the breakup.

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Fact: If a mans ex's are all "crazy" it won't be long before he is calling you crazy too.

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Girls only like you if they know you have a girlfriend, or at least that's what my girlfriend's best friend just whispered in my ear.

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It's crucial to have that one friend with flaws and failures similar to yours, but worse.

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It's never too early in a relationship to text someone "I love you, I miss you, I want to straddle your face and ride it like a racehorse."

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A true relationship is when you can tell each other anything and everything. No secrets and no lies.

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Every relationship has its problems but what makes it perfect is when you still want to be there when everything sucks.

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Have to go now. My girlfriend has that could-you-please-stop-using-that-computer-for-three-seconds look on her face

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Everybody's made for someone. You're lucky if you find them or they find you.

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There is so much hate in me at the moment for my ex-wife that the house is experiencing poltergeist activity... which is kinda cool.

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Relationships are worth fighting for, but you can't be the only one fighting.

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Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

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There will never be a 'Previously On' preview where my stoner husband doesn't say, 'We've seen this one.'

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Relationships are worth fighting for, but you can't be the only one fighting.

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If I've learned anything from my relationships it's that every decision is a poor decision when it doesn't involve saying yes dear.

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She loves it when I tell her that it'd be hard for me to find better girlfriend than her, and I know it's true because I've really tried.

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I read my tweets to my husband every day just to test his eye rolling abilities. He's really good at it!

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A game of Truth-or-Dare with only ex-girlfriends is the most terrifying nightmare ive ever had.

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I'm ready to settle down, get a girlfriend, and hate her more with each passing day. It's time.

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