Stupid Bashes

If he drives a Prius, he'll let you put it in his butt.

I get it. It' a full moon. Now get your butt out of my face.

Amazing how every year my birthday falls on the same date.

I hope everyone is wearing their chicken nugget awareness ribbon today

I hate when people in RL don't like me cause they're jealous of how pretty I am but they lie and try to say it's cause of my narcissism...

I changed my Facebook relationship status to 'married' just so people will ask me questions. I'm so lonely.

I hate when I have zero situational awareness & say "I love you" to Boss as he walks out the door.

Ugh. I put the turkey in the oven almost 3 hours ago but it keeps pecking at the oven door.

I think I might be addicted to oxygen.

I just peed in my pants to warm myself up, was nice for a couple of minutes, but now I'm even colder.

Can't believe my husband didn't even get me a bday gift. I mean yeah, we're getting divorced, but it's not like it's finalized yet.

Twitter is so much easier than real life.

I idiot-proofed my house and now I'm locked out.

It wasn't until we got back to her place that I realised the cool tattoo on the back her neck was just the tag from her top sticking out.

The oldest animal ever found was a 405 year old Icelandic clam. It was killed by researchers trying to work out its age.

My maid woke me up this morning vacuuming and now I'm in traffic heading to my beach house. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

Snakes on a plane was a stupid name for that movie. There were people on that plane too.

Make hash while the sun shines, because smoking hay when it's raining is pretty damn weird.

sometimes i move my things & then 5 minutes later i'm like WHERE ARE MY THINGS & that's pretty much what it's like to be me

I just had two automatic doors in a row not open for me. Proving that not even automated machines respect me...