#ape

My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#flap #fly #funny #humor #skyscraper

That's the funny thing about trying to escape. You never really can. Maybe temporarily, but not completely. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#jennifer-l-armentrout #onyx #funny

I want the US government to dispense with all the “red tape,” and start using Caution tape. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#caution-tape #funny #government #red-tape #us-government

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war." "The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles? ↗

— Rick Riordan

#grapes #humor #riffles #war #funny

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked. How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee? ↗

— John Green

#humor #paper #pee #towns #funny

A shadow crossed Andrea's face. "I don't want to be his TWT-IHFB." "What does that mean?" "That Weird Thing I Haven't Fucked Before." I choked. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#kate-daniels #shapeshifter #vampyre #funny

Sorry I'm late," Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late. ↗

— Adam Rex

#late #papers #school #teacher #funny

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter ... or at least, most minds are... ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#snape #humor

I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #grocery-store #humor #paper-or-plastic #funny

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh. ↗

— John Green

#breasts #funny #humor #paper #towns