Funny Bashes

Workplace Tips: If your guy won, don't gloat. If your guy lost, don't whine. And if things get ugly, eat a banana slowly to change the mood.

Don't give up. But if you do, don't tell your heart for a few days until you're sure. 'Cause hearts get weird about that kinda stuff.

#idocy  

If I want someone, they don't want me. If someone wants me, I don't want them. If we both want each other, they live in narnia or something.

Never pass up an opportunity to be kind to a random stranger.

Best way to make wife's panties wet every day, is to do the laundry.

So, we're exclusive, right?

#funny  

We all cry, but I bet my tears taste prettier than an ugly girl's tears.

#wtf  

One advantage of being addicted to heroin is that you don’t have to take your Christmas tree down till August.

#wtf  

Chuck Norris was originally cast in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. ... He was Doom.

The older I get, the more well-developed my gross motor skills become.

#idocy  

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be sober enough to be morally or ethically responsible for my actions.

#love  

Never let fear of failure keep you from failing.

#statement  

“Oh great frankincense. It’s not like we could’ve used a blanket or food.” - Joseph of Nazareth

#idocy  

You put the small spoons in the slot that is clearly for the big spoons. I can't live like this. Get out.

#witty  

Someone asked me if I wanted to be American; I'm delaying on my answer. Sure, I want to improve on my narcissism but I don't want to be fat.

#useless  

It takes me about 10 stones to kill 2 birds.

#morbid  

The trouble with being homeless is you never get a day off.

#crap  

What do you mean you're offended, didn't you see, I used this emoticon --> :D ?

#statement  

Believe it or not I'm socially awkward.

You say "potato," I say "you're not my real dad."

#funny