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Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings
Don't assume because someone is skinny that they are in shape. I'm probably a pack of cigarettes and a sudden run away from a heart attack.
People that have dream catchers above their bed only dream that someday, someone, anywhere will love them.
...but alas, no one will.
The difference between men and boys, a man can give a woman a compliment without sounding like he only gets laid by hookers.
I don’t believe in torture but I do bring my kids to church.
Whenever I see a tennis player being interviewed I’m reminded that they don’t have to be smart they just have to hit a ball.
Heard a noise. Jumped out of bed towards the door. Missed it, hit the wall.
Clearly I'm a huge threat.
Some people you can't tell if they're having a meltdown or just another Monday night.
As much as I want everyone to like me, I can't think of anything scarier than everyone liking me.
I can eat food for literally days at a time if I take breaks to sleep and do other stuff.
Gotta write a paper on plagiarism and another on dystopia.
I'll just turn in the same essay twice and say one was plagiarized.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mag at Burger King. And he got one.
Just lying in bed thinking about controlled danger.
Shut up, mom. I’m trying to make people feel small on the Internet by saying hurtful things under the guise of “telling it like it is”.
If an ATM asks you to "show me the face u make when ur pooping" to make a withdrawal, it's been hacked. Back away calmly.
