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Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings
I bet Mary and Joseph's Facebook walls are blowing up right now.
Got a teardrop tattoo for every year I watched Guiding Light. Now I get mad respect from the other ladies at bridge club.
I can't remember if I have short-term or long-term memory loss.
When you know people who don't deserve the gift of your time, don't give it to them.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun, because they missed you the first time.
we are ALL staring at computer screens, we have SO much in common.
I'll always hate my ex-husband because he CHEATED by going to Red Lobster without me one time.
It's proven that Gingers shape-shift, yet authorities do nothing about it! If bitten by a Ginger, you instantly get a sunburn! It hurts too.
Sometimes I want to ask you why you even care about me. But then I think I might upset you. So I don't.
Who brings eggs with them when they line up to buy a new iPhone?
The only thing worse than the idea of you, is knowing that someday I will only have a memory of you.
Totally just dropped my phone on my kid's head.
Fiew. Close call.
The worst thing about mixing flu meds & booze is I forget how many to take & now the packet's empty & I'm going to find a bobcat to steal.
It's so cute how you're trying to play hard to get in the trunk of my car.
Check out this new band i heard about called U2B40-52's, they play rock and quirky pop with some white reggae and have a wacky hype man.
just wrestled my husband to get my phone out of his hand. pretty sure he knows i've got something to hide.
Just wrote "almonds?" on my shopping list, because my life is a non-stop adrenaline rush.
Still can't believe the capitol of Georgia isn't Popeye's
Innocence is lost when we realize our parents are not immortal. Immaturity is lost when we realize we’re not either.
These weight loss infomercials make me feel like I shouldn't be eating cheetos in bed at 430 in the morning.