Funny Bashes

My anti-insomnia plan is waiting until I can no longer hold my lids open.

Unfortunately, it happens at work, a lot.

The more I deal with people, the more I wonder why I've bothered to grace this race with my existence.

My Husband gave my very Irish uncle a 6 pack of non-alcoholic beer as a gag gift for Christmas.

I'm a widow now.

If you're afraid of being happy because you think something bad is going to happen soon, you suffer from 'Cherophobia'.

The sun provides me with vitamin D and the sudden need for beer & grilled meat.

All things being equal you are very level-headed for a person with lop-sided views.

Just wrote "He's probably dead" on a Lost Cat poster.

The best relationship is when you can act like lovers and bestfriends at the same time.

Look, everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is you learn from it & cover it up better next time.

Having a girlfriend is a lot like having a puppy except their treats are more expensive and they whine more

Ok, you're right. And so am I.

The only exercise I get in the morning is running after joggers with a chainsaw.

Someone tell my mom wizards don't have bedtimes.

When I was married I used to get a lot more "pretending to sleep time" that's the only part I miss.

I've got what it takes with looks to make heads turn.

The other way.

My strategy for the beach this summer: Instead of being a failure at getting in shape, I plan to be awesome at being soft and doughy.

I once spent a summer touring the bars in Texas as a mechanical bull fighter.

Yesterday, my mom's phone rang and she got a disgusted look on her face and said, "Ugh. I hate that people think they can just call me."

My milkshake brought ants to the yard.

I become deaf whenever my heart begins to speak.