Funny Bashes

I will not rest until we have a cat for president or until I get sleepy.

Don’t worry, your demons are fine, keeping warm around your burning soul, laughing at your every line.

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

I can sum up how much I love people in 3 words: I do not.

I swear, I had better start catching up on this twitter thing.
I'm running out of "I'm very far behind now" tweets.

I’ve been asked to attend a meeting with all men so I asked if we were going to watch porn.

Pizza Hut ad: "Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?" Think about these words.

Crap.

I didn't leave enough room in my whiskey for my coffee.

A police officer pulled me over. Going to act drunk because I'm too embarrassed to tell him I was eating a taco.

"Home" is anywhere you can get away with not wearing pants.

I bet woolly mammoths seemed scary at first but always turned out to be really nice.

Tell me again which Radiohead song is your favourite, because I was under the impression they're all exactly the same.

I'm the back up friend. People only talk to me when they need someone to talk to. When they need me, they lean on me. Then they leave.

I'm strong enough to get through this without you. What hurts is I truly believed I had finally found friends that wouldn't leave me alone.

Even if this is a game, it is not play.

If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

I'm always afraid of dropping my phone when I enlarge an avi I wish I hadn't.

You see, I was only hired because I grew up here. I was left on the doorstep as a baby, found by the books and raised as one of their own.

Just had a 20 minute long phone conversation with a 70-year old customer because he seemed lonely and I'm nice.

Parenting means being an interactive human answering machine.