Funny Bashes

Next life, I'm coming back as a set of keys. Where I hide & watch people panic for 20 mins then show up in a cool place. Like, the counter.

#funny  

It's so weird how in movies no one is ever like, "oh shit gotta tweet, this is gold!"

Don't worry, my passive aggression only lasts until the 4th drink, then it becomes passionate aggression.

#funny  

The hardest part of single life is when you take out your contacts before you know where your glasses are then you wander around and die.

#funny  

Woke up with a feather in my mouth, so, yeah, pretty good night with my pillow.

#idocy  

Hey guys who punch holes in walls, I'm a little intimidated by your masculinity.

My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know

#idocy  

Realistic tampon commercials would have the girlfriend yelling at the boyfriend while he looks confused and says "what did I do now?"

#idocy  

I regret the day before it even begins

#statement  

I want to host a Youtube Big Brother. I would fill the house with 1000 cats at 4am

#idocy  

Long John Silver would be wearing sweatpants if he were alive today.

Behave badly, enjoy the ride and deny everything.

#wisdom  

Being right all the time must be exhausting.

#crap  

At least when Santa came last night he didn't mess up any good towels.

#idocy  

You can tell if your dad is a spy if you jump out from the kitchen to spook him and he shatters your orbital bone on the edge of the table.

Somebody once said oaths are words & words're wind.

Makes total sense:
Whirlwinds of fanciful promises exist;
unfulfilled, full of hot air.

#funny  

Immortality jokes never get old.

#wordplay  

It's cute when someone stays up late just to talk to you.

#love  

If I ever have kids I'll name them after the places they were conceived...

"Ocean."

&

"Back seat of my boyfriend's wife's car."

#funny  

Whenever I take a date to a restaurant, she expects me to pay the bill in its entirety. Women are never satisfied with just the tip.

#idocy