Funny Bashes

I think the ghost ancestors of the spider I just killed are attacking me.

If you make a "duck face" in my presence I will not hesitate to throw bread crumbs at you.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

That sucks when people pronounce human you-min

honestly wish I knew someone named Bort

Wendy's forgot my fries at the drive-thru last night so I could totally relate to the Irish potato famine.

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

Separating the good guys from the bad guys is easy.

Just pay close attention to how they treat their Mothers, sisters, or women in general.

An American telling me how to speak English is like Miley Cyrus telling Jimmy Page how to play the guitar

Siri, answer all of my toddler's stupid questions.

The only time I’ve ever chosen the stairs over the elevator was that time when the shop owner chased me for not paying the bills.

Whenever I take the last cup of coffee, I like to inexplicably make a new pot of just hot water.

Don't give meaning to a simple act of kindness.

Time to get shit faced and go play disc golf, like a responsible adult.

If you think the priest abuse scandals are bad, wait till the nun shit breaks. Those women are monsters.

I'm the sort of guy who has enemies in high places.

Humans are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't even like.

Whenever I think this world is falling apart, I remember that someone decided to put pizza on a mini bagel and my faith is restored

I'm the girl in line behind you that touches your arm and tells you that you smell nice.

I give blood every week just so I'm less and less related to my family.