Funny Bashes

Accept people for who they are.

I should just buy a coffin and start sleeping in it. Save my family some money for when they find the body.

I enjoy people who actively participate in my insanity.

Even his invisible friends wouldn't play with him.

Only the intelligent ones can afford to be stupid.

I never really understood porn. I mean what does she really see in him? I doubt he even loves her.

Still carving 2011 into my victims!

My spirit animal is a parasite that swims up your pee hole and plants an egg sac using its hook-like barbs.

I hope no one finds out about anything.

Why waste money on bedroom slippers when dog hair adheres so nicely after you put lotion on your feet?

I saw a kid hold up his right hand and he told his mom that was his left hand to her if she's looking at him. Future president right there.

#MyChildhoodHeroes Darth Vader. Name ONE other guy who came back from quadruple amputation, lava bath AND messy divorce. You can't.

Is 29 too old to request that your family disowns you?

Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean that it will never happen. It means you're not ready for it.

They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.

"Roses are red. I have a phone. Nobody text me. Forever alone."

I'm not picky. I just want a guy who is hotter than my ex-husband's girlfriend.

I'm not a violent person but sometimes a round-house kick to the face could fix a lot of things.

"You win some, you lose some" is a saying only losers use.

Love actually has nothing to do with your heart! It's all chemical reactions inside of your brain.