Funny Bashes

The hardest part about losing someone is accepting the fact that they're really gone.

Just a reminder I won't pay taxes or sleep until the MONSTER that posted those nude photos of Scarlett Johansson is captured & executed.

The worst thing you can do is give someone else the opportunity to bring the person you love happiness.

Ask your doctor if reverse-psychology isn't for you.

If you're a guy & ask for a drink with more than 1 mixer in it alarms should go off & tampons rolled in glitter should fall from the ceiling

My previous Twitter username was SupercalifragilisticexpialidociousPete. It really pissed the manual Retweeters off.

I want to host a Youtube Big Brother. I would fill the house with 1000 cats at 4am

I'm not quietly avoiding you.
I'm silent because I don't care.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

Don't look for happiness, create it.

Opinions are facts marinated in bullshit.

I always listen politely when people tell me about God. Then I tell them about MY imaginary friend.

11. In a hotel with a TV system, press 2-2-1 down on the remote, then hold OK. AND VOILA! Free pay-per-view! :D

I tried the whole "LOL, I'm gonna be a nice guy on Twitter" bullshit. It wasn't worth the extra stars and tit pics.

The problem with sadness is it’s often like getting hit in the face with a hockey puck when you’re at a baseball game.

Cant get to sleep. Thinking about what if Alf is real? Would he be on our side or the animals?

A group of frogs is called an army.

You only live once, so don't forget to spend all your time typing meaningless horse shit on to this website.

I've learned that if someone stops loving you for dyeing your hair brown & wearing too many bracelets then they never loved you at all.

I type things into Google to see if I spelled them correctly.