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Funny Bashes

Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings

I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could.

A German publisher once asked Tolkien for proof of his Aryan descent. His brilliant response:


Well, I’m going back to self-loathing. I mean watching television.

When you fight a lot in a relationship, then it means your relationship is worth fighting for.

I don't understand why I can't state inspect my own car. Shit looks OK to me - inspected.


Albert Einstein's brain was stolen after he died.


Since he's lived to be 283 years old, it's probably a good time for Michelin to figure out how to make tires out of Keith Richards' skin.


It's never too early to shove squirrels in exhaust pipes.


I will crush you like an ant!

Me talking to ants.


When I cook on the weekends I always make sure the recipie requires wine or alcohol. It's a good excuse to drink very early!

I drink alcohol just to make my cigarettes taste better.


Please don't use a black light on the envelope of the Valentines Day card I got you. You don't want to know how I sealed it.


My dog caught me eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon. She gave me judge-y eyes but SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY LIFE.


alea iacta est

(Die Würfel sind gefallen)

Elections would be cooler with high speed chases and nude scenes.


There's a time in your life when it's cool if one of your friends can do a standing back-flip. That time is all the time.

I wish I was a cat because the fatter you are the more people like you

Who are you gonna believe, Officer? Some nightclub bouncer, or me and an ex-convict I met an hour ago at Ruby Tuesday?


It's cute how they cut my pizza into slices like I'm going to share it.


I am always looking forward to everything because I don't have eyes in the back of my head.


Roll the dice
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