Funny Bashes

Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings

My wife is considering giving me a trophy because she thinks I'll love her then.

Yes honey, that very well may do it.

Don't talk to me about your "problems" until you've robbed over 5 homeless people who made less than $2 each that day.

Excercise it the new exercise for those of you who don't know how to spell...

I love it wet, juicy and in a nice red/pink color. Sometimes it gets the hands sticky, but I don't mind. Watermelon is amazing.

Romance, action and funny. I want that in a man, not in a movie.

Skinny chicks also are to blame for guys hollering at other guys while they drive down the road.

I think these shoelaces are haunted.

I'm still amazed at how many people go to the movies and don't punch out the obnoxious drunk who snuck a bottle of booze into the theater.

I go to Subway when I'm bored and order 10 footlongs. I yell out my toppings like a drill sergeant & spit on the glass bc they can't do shit

"None but human beings can make words the vehicle of thought."

I want to call my band, "Paper Scissors", so people might say Paper Scissors rock!

Wo ein Wille ist, ist auch ein Weg.

WebMD says it's not possible to pass your liver through your rectum but they didn't see the shit I just took.

Coworker: Is Ari your real name?
Me: No its my stage name. My real name's Hung Solo.

It took a little over a year, but I think my dog finally has me trained.

I need a pair of life-canceling headphones.

Often ask myself "where are you going with this?"

I have a fair amount of alcohol coursing through my veins... how about you?

I'm a perfectionist so if something is less than ideal I set it on fire.

Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there is so much to smile about.