Funny Bashes

Politicians that act like they give a shit. Excuse me while I go throw up.

If you yelled out "Two points for Slytherin!" after raping me in a bathroom, I'd probably be 35% less upset with you.

Do guys that wear white pants also wear a pad in their panties in case they start spotting too?

I hate when you give me mixed signals. Just be real with me.

If you are what you eat...is that why men are such pussies ?

The worst thing about having kids is I have to quit trying to die quicker.

How well does a safe word work if he's already inside of you?

Standing in line for hours to return gifts is totally worth it if you use the money to buy drugs and alcohol.

Thinking about calling 911 just to feel a fireman's embrace.

When things get rough, I rub it the other way.

What's with all these Europeans and their insane soccer obsession? Come on people, it's just a game. It's not like it's hockey.

There should be "Harry & the kardashians" & Harry goes nuts & kills them & eats them. I'd watch that.

Ladies, I'm thinking of a number between 68 and 70?

What would Jesus do? I believe this time of year he'd be listening to Nine Inch Nails.

My generation of parents is going to be so terrible because it's going to be the first one that tries to be cooler than its kids.

Coffee is for people who DON'T want to kill their coworkers.

If you do the math, numbers actually mean stuff.

I've got all my moves down pat..I just need one of you guys to be here to throw the bucket of water on me as soon as I finish my FlashDance?

Sometimes, simple is complex.

Daisy Duck looks ridiculous when she's not pulling her duck face.