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Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings
I see London, I see France, I see a disappointment when I look in the mirror.
Guys, I figured out why NYC is the city that never sleeps. It's the techno music from the rooftop bar above my hotel room.
If you have to ask him if you look fat in what you're wearing, you probably do.
Make hash while the sun shines, because smoking hay when it's raining is pretty damn weird.
The word 'ephemeromorph' describes something that belongs to the lowest form of life. Why not slip it into conversation at work today?
Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.
Sure, I might be fat if you ONLY focus on my stomach. But check out these wrists. I mean, they're the wrists of a 10 year old girl.
Some people lie so much they begin to believe their own bullshit.
Ask your doctor if reverse-psychology isn't for you.
I want you to know what I want before I know what I want, you know?
I think the homeless are the ones that have shit figured out.
Grandma has been sitting cross legged, meditating for 5 hours. She's either reached enlightenment or died sitting straight up.
I would cheat on cheese with melted cheese. No hesitation.
In order to use human intelligence properly our mind should be calm.
Dear baby Jesus, please give me the strength to not eat two dinners tonight. Amen
I wasn't actually born this way. I was a lot smaller, not nearly as hairy and way slimier.
I fear I may go through life without ever using a fire extinguisher.
Love means never having to fake an orgasm.
Remember, real people don't care how popular you are on the internet.
A police officer pulled me over. Going to act drunk because I'm too embarrassed to tell him I was eating a taco.