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Funny Bashes

Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings


I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could.



A German publisher once asked Tolkien for proof of his Aryan descent. His brilliant response: http://t.co/XX3EH9hz


#statement  


Well, I’m going back to self-loathing. I mean watching television.



When you fight a lot in a relationship, then it means your relationship is worth fighting for.



I don't understand why I can't state inspect my own car. Shit looks OK to me - inspected.


#funny  


Albert Einstein's brain was stolen after he died.


#idocy  


Since he's lived to be 283 years old, it's probably a good time for Michelin to figure out how to make tires out of Keith Richards' skin.


#mad  


It's never too early to shove squirrels in exhaust pipes.


#wtf  


I will crush you like an ant!


Me talking to ants.


#crap  


When I cook on the weekends I always make sure the recipie requires wine or alcohol. It's a good excuse to drink very early!



I drink alcohol just to make my cigarettes taste better.


#idocy  


Please don't use a black light on the envelope of the Valentines Day card I got you. You don't want to know how I sealed it.


#wtf  


My dog caught me eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon. She gave me judge-y eyes but SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY LIFE.


#pity  


alea iacta est

(Die Würfel sind gefallen)



Elections would be cooler with high speed chases and nude scenes.


#crap  


There's a time in your life when it's cool if one of your friends can do a standing back-flip. That time is all the time.



I wish I was a cat because the fatter you are the more people like you



Who are you gonna believe, Officer? Some nightclub bouncer, or me and an ex-convict I met an hour ago at Ruby Tuesday?


#idocy  


It's cute how they cut my pizza into slices like I'm going to share it.


#idocy  


I am always looking forward to everything because I don't have eyes in the back of my head.


#statement  



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