Funny Bashes

I miss my childhood, no homework, no wake up early, no exam, no stress, no problems in life.

#sad  

There's definitely something in the air today, like anthrax and pigeon fecal matter. It's gonna be a good day!

#wtf  

So sad to hear that the dog from Family Guy died and that Family Guy still exists.

#statement  

If you yelled out "Two points for Slytherin!" after raping me in a bathroom, I'd probably be 35% less upset with you.

#wtf  

My generation of parents is going to be so terrible because it's going to be the first one that tries to be cooler than its kids.

#wisdom  

The best tweets are those ones that make you think they're about one thing, and then they actually turn out to be about vodka.

#funny  

Can someone please tell me what day it is. Pretty sure I just lost a week in last nights bottle of wine.

#idocy  

It gets better but right now I'm crying in a parking garage.

#pity  

I’m pretty adventurous in bed.

Sometimes I sleep with three, maybe four pillows.

#crap  

I look at you & I think: no body will ever love you like I do.

#sad  

It really helps if you're naked or funny or both but not at the same time.

Lemme just bang my knee into this coffee table 17 more times before I move it.

This is the first Christmas I've been single, off drugs & happy. I've come a long way & I appreciate every one of you for being by my side.

#idocy  

No real real man needs a woman and no real woman needs a man. Learn to make it solo

#useless  

Silence is better than unmeaning words. — Pythagoras

Are you clinically insane? By which I mean do you wake up in the morning and think you are a rhubarb,

#idocy  

Deine Mutter ist so dumm wenn du direkt neben ihr stehst hörst du die Ozeanwellen

Saw an Xterra with a vanity license plate saying "Yeah Ya." I guess "Boo Ya" was already taken.

#funny  

Today already feels like I'll be in the bar by noon

#funny  

"So, what have you bought since we last talked?" - Women on the phone together

#idocy