Funny Bashes

I may have hooked up this wireless printer wrong. It just spit out my neighbor's grocery list.

I am pretty sure that I've got more kids than I wanted.

There should be a breathalyzer for bad breath. Arrest those stinkers, they shouldn't be out in public anyway.

It's all fun and games until you unexpectedly give birth in the bathroom at Walmart.

Don't assume because someone is skinny that they are in shape. I'm probably a pack of cigarettes and a sudden run away from a heart attack.

Seeing Microsoft Word’s green-grammar-underline when I use “fist” as a verb, reminds me of simpler more innocent times.

There are a lot of valid reasons for not getting started on drugs. Fortunately, there are way less reasons to stop.

Sometimes you’ll never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

I'm sorry, did you say something? I just saw your tattoos and couldn't hear you over the sound of my pants falling off.

Sometimes you need to just delete and move on.

I offered you a shoulder to cry on not a soul to suck dry.

Women are always right.

Women listen to music because they are in love. Men listen to music because they want to fall in love.

Love like a parent.
Laugh like a child.
Learn like a student.
Live like a friend.
Lead like a servant.

Stop acting like you know everything. http://t.co/0U2QZgqE

Britney Spears can legally marry her high school friend as a joke, but gay couples in North Carolina can't marry for love. Not cool.

When my friends and I go out to drink the rule is whoever throws up first has to drive us home.

Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, I'll position my arm just right and pretend my mutant power is trickling water from my finger tips.

I'm so rock n' roll you're still wondering where I put your bra.

Immortality jokes never get old.