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Funny Bashes

Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings


My anti-insomnia plan is waiting until I can no longer hold my lids open.

Unfortunately, it happens at work, a lot.


#idocy  


The more I deal with people, the more I wonder why I've bothered to grace this race with my existence.



My Husband gave my very Irish uncle a 6 pack of non-alcoholic beer as a gag gift for Christmas.

I'm a widow now.


#idocy  


If you're afraid of being happy because you think something bad is going to happen soon, you suffer from 'Cherophobia'.



The sun provides me with vitamin D and the sudden need for beer & grilled meat.



All things being equal you are very level-headed for a person with lop-sided views.


#mad  


Just wrote "He's probably dead" on a Lost Cat poster.


#dirty  


The best relationship is when you can act like lovers and bestfriends at the same time.


#love  


Look, everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is you learn from it & cover it up better next time.


#wisdom  


Having a girlfriend is a lot like having a puppy except their treats are more expensive and they whine more



Ok, you're right. And so am I.


#idocy  


The only exercise I get in the morning is running after joggers with a chainsaw.


#crazy  


Someone tell my mom wizards don't have bedtimes.


#wtf  


When I was married I used to get a lot more "pretending to sleep time" that's the only part I miss.


#crap  


I've got what it takes with looks to make heads turn.

The other way.


#funny  


My strategy for the beach this summer: Instead of being a failure at getting in shape, I plan to be awesome at being soft and doughy.



I once spent a summer touring the bars in Texas as a mechanical bull fighter.



Yesterday, my mom's phone rang and she got a disgusted look on her face and said, "Ugh. I hate that people think they can just call me."


#witty  


My milkshake brought ants to the yard.


#wtf  


I become deaf whenever my heart begins to speak.




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