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Funny Bashes

Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings

My wife just said "Don't be afraid to use the nice cheese." I'LL SHOW HER WHAT FEAR IS.


When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. They do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

I'm going to quit my job and join the circus.


Hope none of you dreamt about burial last night. Because that is a bad omen. The worst.

It means you will very shortly be married.


Once ran into the long arm of the law, ended up obstructed by justice.
But that's the only time I dated the popo.
You could say I copulated.


If I paid as much attention to real people as I did you guys, I wouldn't need you guys anymore.


I drive recklessly because you're always just one horrific car accident away from ending all this bullshit. I dont want to miss that chance.


Having a girlfriend is a lot like having a puppy except their treats are more expensive and they whine more

Dear straight girls with short hair.



Sorry Facebook, you keep saying you’ve changed, but it’s too late. I’m already in love with someone else & their name is twitter. <33


When I was young, my dad convinced me that the icecream truck only played music when it was out of icecream.

Well played, Dad, well played.


I just autographed a dollar bill and sold it for 90 cents.


I'm wearing white today, so I'll seem more approachable to people. And then I can stab them.


If music can't fix it, it's probably broken forever.


I need a pair of life-canceling headphones.


I'm going to be Jack Skellington for Halloween and walk around the bar saying "What's this?!" examining people's drinks, then chugging them.


Before you buy a house, know that at least twice a week you'll be roaming around with a knife at 2 a.m. because you heard a weird noise.


Surround yourself with people who make you feel like you're not a total piece of shit. Or people with jet skis.


If you are 6 feet 2 inches tall, then you are taller than 94% of the world.

Even the stars read us, silently.


Roll the dice
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