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Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #idocy
Go to the police and tell them you were robbed, then see how long it takes the sketch artist to realize you’re describing the Hamburglar.
We live in a world full of dumb people carrying smart phones.
I'm drinking a number between one and ten.
Forget Gamma Rays, to turn into the Hulk all I've got to do is try to untangle something.
If everyone jumped off a bridge I'd be all "Why wasn't I invited, Mom?"
Don't even try calling yourself a party animal unless you put two kinds of toothpaste on the brush at the same time.
I would totally go to bed right now if I could find it.
I'm in a pub and no one's talking to me. But by posting this I'm talking to over 4000 people. I win right?
Well look, I can get into your mind and then get into your panties or I can get into your panties and then into your my mind, whatever.
I'm just stating the facts.
Girls who are full of themselves have never been full of me.
Birthday party is the same theme as last year!
I'm not always goofy and lame, sometimes I'm asleep.
My lotion says it has hydration technology. Unless it tells me where the nearest bar is & gets me to not feel hung over the next day... STFU
I'm not one to tell you what to do or anything, but marrying a rich man without a pre-nup is the best way to start off a divorce.
My iPhone won't stop correcting "love" to "like." how does it know everything?
Our babys birthday party was today & none of these bastards got him the 2 things I told em all he wanted: a cordless drill & a case of vodka
If everything happens for a reason why am I blowing angle dust smoke into my parrots cage and telling him to say "show me the money"
"If you're not out of bed by the time I count to 5, then I will count to 5 again" ~ how I parent.
I can't wait to find love and date it briefly.
When you start a project the day it's due and can't ask any questions about it because then they'll know you just started it. That.