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Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #idocy
Turn into a hotdog so I can annihilate you.
Once I petted a puppy for five whole minutes before realizing it was Elijah Wood.
My apologies are so half-hearted, they're like offering someone a mint after force-feeding them garlic.
If she says “Do I look fat?” the answer is “NO!”
Do not delay, or say “Define fat,” or mention the national obesity problem.
I'll fight a Horse in a War, I don't give a shit.
I hear more with my eyes than with my ears.
There was only one Die Hard movie. The rest were just nightmares McClane kept having.
Woke up with a feather in my mouth, so, yeah, pretty good night with my pillow.
My health insurance is so bad, my doctor was only allowed to perform a semicolonoscopy on me.
In a world of lazers, the man with the mirror is God.
If I hold the door open for you it's obviously because I am a door opening robot and you should definitely not say thank you.
It’s cute how I keep pressing next in my music player like my life will suck any less at some point.
Dude's so far out there, he's practically Kanye East.
I call women over the age of 25 with tongue rings "sad lickers."
I manage does not mean I am sleeping around.
It means I probably could if I wanted to, which I don't.
Our politicians should walk the middle road.
So they can be hit by oncoming cars.
I wouldn't say I'm hyperactive, but a puppy did just tell me to chill out.
It smells like someone is cooking breakfast in my house. Not sure if I should call the cops now or wait until after I eat.
My twitter crush is so romantic, he finally admitted he thinks I might be retarded.
Our son kicked so hard during my pregnancy that the ashtray would fall right off my stomach.