Idocy Bashes

Turn into a hotdog so I can annihilate you.

#idocy  

Once I petted a puppy for five whole minutes before realizing it was Elijah Wood.

#idocy  

My apologies are so half-hearted, they're like offering someone a mint after force-feeding them garlic.

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If she says “Do I look fat?” the answer is “NO!”

Do not delay, or say “Define fat,” or mention the national obesity problem.

#idocy  

I'll fight a Horse in a War, I don't give a shit.

#idocy  

I hear more with my eyes than with my ears.

#idocy  

There was only one Die Hard movie. The rest were just nightmares McClane kept having.

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Woke up with a feather in my mouth, so, yeah, pretty good night with my pillow.

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My health insurance is so bad, my doctor was only allowed to perform a semicolonoscopy on me.

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In a world of lazers, the man with the mirror is God.

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If I hold the door open for you it's obviously because I am a door opening robot and you should definitely not say thank you.

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It’s cute how I keep pressing next in my music player like my life will suck any less at some point.

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Dude's so far out there, he's practically Kanye East.

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I call women over the age of 25 with tongue rings "sad lickers."

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I manage does not mean I am sleeping around.
Grr!
It means I probably could if I wanted to, which I don't.
m'kay.
*kicks dirt*

#idocy  

Our politicians should walk the middle road.

So they can be hit by oncoming cars.

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I wouldn't say I'm hyperactive, but a puppy did just tell me to chill out.

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It smells like someone is cooking breakfast in my house. Not sure if I should call the cops now or wait until after I eat.

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My twitter crush is so romantic, he finally admitted he thinks I might be retarded.

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Our son kicked so hard during my pregnancy that the ashtray would fall right off my stomach.

#idocy