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Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #idocy
How many times can you pee in an empty water bottle and rinse it out before you have to get a new?
That awkward moment when you start a sentence with that awkward moment…
Me: No, never again
Her: Hey do you want to???
Me: Yes, yes I will!
Stayed up all night again to see if I could hear turkey footsteps on the roof.
I won’t block you, or delete you. I’m keeping you there so you’re able to see how happy I am without you.
It's hard to find crotchless panties that fit comfortably over my hernia truss.
I know I'm drunk when I let every song on my iPod play without skipping one.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Friends are like balloons. If you stab them, they die.
When you start a project the day it's due and can't ask any questions about it because then they'll know you just started it. That.
Sometimes I can't believe how many typos someone has until I realize they're tweeting in another language.
I'm craving food that others have cooked.
I've never won the lotto, but I once bought weed that didn't have a Rastafarian's pubic hair in it. GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
Missed Connection: You were attractive. I awkwardly overreacted to your presence.
I'd hit that, how bout you ?
Nah, I wouldn't touch that.
- Ugly stick and a 10 foot pole
I stole all my tweets from the dictionary. I recommend reading it it's full of good vs evil, plot twists, animals & posh profanity.
By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.
Don't take this the wrong way...
I wish there was a manlier way to hit someone with my purse.
My parents should be proud of me since I'm addicted to music, texting, food, sleeping, and the Internet instead of drugs.