Idocy Bashes

When I say "some of my best friends are Maori" - I really just mean that I own "Boy" on DVD.

This birthday party feels more like a wedding with a cash bar.

Was wäre wenn sich die Erde 30mal schneller drehen würde? Ganz einfach, ich würde meinen Lohn jeden Tag bekommen und die Frauen würden verbluten.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around, it's probably on a day when the tree actually matched its bra to its underwear for once.

My mum says women don't like drunks, she is so old fashioned, they didn't have twitter in her day.

When you're so stoned and then you realize you're walking in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets and pretend you forgot something.

Last night my son dreamed that he drank grape juice. Ugh, glad I'm not as boring as THAT guy.

I call Willem Dafoe "William" because get the hell out of here with that stupid name.

I’ve been asked to attend a meeting with all men so I asked if we were going to watch porn.

Overheard some chick say "He didn't even touch the sides" to her friend.

Poor guy.

"I don't even care. This whole thing has turned into a big merit contest!" - Disgruntled runner up in actual popularity contest

Oops! Gave Frosty a hug and now he's a chilled wine man.

I refuse to play Hangman because it bothers me to see the killing of innocent stick figures.

I think a fair worldwide policy we could introduce would be that grown women cannot like Hello Kitty anymore

Just got told I was going to hell. Wonder if blocking and reporting them as spam will make the trip a little faster...

The best thing about my job is the bar across the street.

My lotion says it has hydration technology. Unless it tells me where the nearest bar is & gets me to not feel hung over the next day... STFU

Still carving 2011 into my victims!

Locked up in the drunk cell overnight. Truth or Dare was ok but I had to kiss so many guys that I'm sure they cheated at Spin the Bottle.

Don't you hate it when you stuff the washing machine so full of clothes that there's not enough space for the cat.