Idocy Bashes

When one of you twittercides, you know I put on Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" and cry myself to sleep, right?

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Rice cakes are the saddest cakes.

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I see you correcting my grammar, and raise you get a life.

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Yes you could say I went to high school, but it would be much more accurate to say I went to school high.

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Just left to the pub without my sunglasses. This isn't living, it's existing.

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It would be okay if you slap each other and make out and then we go from there.

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I want a PBJ sandwich but I want you to make it. Yes, you.

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Truthful Tuesday: I may or may not have slept with either Milli or Vanilli in the 90’s. And blamed it on the rain.

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Apparently today is some big deal.

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I always cry when I'm cutting onions because my first pet was an onion that died in a tragic salad shooter accident.

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Last night my son dreamed that he drank grape juice. Ugh, glad I'm not as boring as THAT guy.

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Christmas day kinda sucked until I remembered where I keep the vodka.

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Harry, stop asking Pippa if she'd like "extra stuffing".

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I think a fair worldwide policy we could introduce would be that grown women cannot like Hello Kitty anymore

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I call Willem Dafoe "William" because get the hell out of here with that stupid name.

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My coffee tolerance is so high that I had to start using cocaine instead of sugar.

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Procastinator? No. I just wait until the last second to do my work because I will be older, therefore wiser.

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In order to use human intelligence properly our mind should be calm.

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My wife always jokes that she should pin notes to me so I remember to do stuff and I laugh but that would definitely help.

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Why waste money on bedroom slippers when dog hair adheres so nicely after you put lotion on your feet?

#idocy