Idocy Bashes

Didn't think I was high until I realized I have no idea how loud anything is.

Put your money where your mouth is. On my balls. Rub cash money on my ball bag. It tickles! Stop! OK, do it again. I love you.

People probably think we're all mentally handicapped outside of this bus right now. Many beers and bare naked ladies acoustic covers.

If you go to Nelly's house and he turns the heating up, shits gonna get weird.

I want a PBJ sandwich but I want you to make it. Yes, you.

I would totally go to bed right now if I could find it.

I'm constantly dancing on the fine line between "Do we know each other?" and "Will you marry me?".

I wonder if the gypsy that continually puts curses on my life ever gets tired.

I tell people I'm pregnant so my crying and throwing up at 7am seems natural.

I'm watching Bridget Jones Diary and now my being single makes perfect sense.

I've seen a grown man eat a whole cucumber. I have seen everything in this world now.

Christmas day kinda sucked until I remembered where I keep the vodka.

The amount people like you is closely related to how much you can do for them.

Don't get your facts from the Internet. Anyway, you won't get pregnant from my fingers.

As a gay guy, I stick out in small town Ohio like a GAY GUY IN SMALL TOWN OHIO

My dealer gave me inspirational weed.
Please stand by.

Overheard some chick say "He didn't even touch the sides" to her friend.

Poor guy.

Changing a tampon in a Costco parking lot behind my minivan full of groceries and kids at 9:30 PM in case you thought I live like a Hilton.

The only time I get jealous is when I see photos of people that smoke indoors.

I can't wait till my phone dies so I can do actual work.