Idocy Bashes

New diet is going well. I'm only allowed to snack on food I find in my cleavage.

Sobering fact: Humans share over 99% of our DNA with clowns

Insanity is your reason.

I don't trust lunch meat that's in the shape of a square.

My MIL doesn't know this, but she's 3 snide comments away from getting roofied.

I just can’t handle criticism, well not when it’s being screamed in my face but otherwise I’m ok with it.

Well look, I can get into your mind and then get into your panties or I can get into your panties and then into your my mind, whatever.

Jesus had a bunch'a followers... Remember how that shit turned out!

I love that my life is way more interesting than the rumours.

Whenever I see a male runner running towards me I time it so I'll perfectly hit them in the neck with my lit cigarette.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

Just spent an hour thinking about how hot Angelina looked in Tomb Raider, so don't even tell me about your time management problems.

I may have hooked up this wireless printer wrong. It just spit out my neighbor's grocery list.

My Husband gave my very Irish uncle a 6 pack of non-alcoholic beer as a gag gift for Christmas.

I'm a widow now.

I manage does not mean I am sleeping around.
Grr!
It means I probably could if I wanted to, which I don't.
m'kay.
*kicks dirt*

Procastinator? No. I just wait until the last second to do my work because I will be older, therefore wiser.

On dating sites some of the options for 'body type' should be 'Vending machine' 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in Hefty bag'

I've got a really good quality lawn mower and comes with a lifetime garanty. It's called a husband.

I am still awake, and therefore tomorrow will be rough.

Of course I care what you're saying, I just hear better when I'm naked.