Idocy Bashes

The second half of my piss is like the guy at the podium trying to thank people as the music plays him off.

When I see old people holding hands, it makes me hopeful that the nerds are right and each cigarette really takes 14 minutes off my life.

You guys have it so easy. I bet you have never once had to consider your nipples when choosing a shirt to wear.

Actually, it's really easy being gay, we've all been lying for attention. Sorry.

You can probably tell I didn’t win the 320 million lotto tonight because my writing isn’t in gold n shit.

I don't trust lunch meat that's in the shape of a square.

Jack Johnson's music makes me want to drink the stagnant water out of a ditch

You can tell a lot about a person by the way you talk about them behind their back.

I'm just stating the facts.

Girls who are full of themselves have never been full of me.

"I wonder when Phantom Menace 3D tickets go on sale?" - terrible person. Perhaps the worst in the world.

Old people have too much power in this society. You don’t believe me? Why are we still making phone books?

It's a special kind of defeat when you realize you've spent 30 minutes on the couch watching an infomercial for a 10 minute workout video.

Thinking about waking my parents up to tell them I had a nightmare...

“Oh great frankincense. It’s not like we could’ve used a blanket or food.” - Joseph of Nazareth

Let’s face it: EVERYONE’S seen your boobs online. You want a boyfriend? Move to Zimbabwe.

Crazy gay guys must really hate being put into a straight jacket.

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that onomatopoeias aren't the same in all languages?

Truthful Tuesday: I may or may not have slept with either Milli or Vanilli in the 90’s. And blamed it on the rain.

Just had a long talk with my kids about bullying because I accidentally spent their lunch money for the week on lotto tickets.

People are spooky and I haven't used that word in years.