Crap Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #crap

I just saw my wife acting very suspicious outside our house. She parked the car without crashing into the fence.

My dealer is the only human I like to talk to in the morning.

Sometimes when I'm brushing my teeth I lean forward to spit and I get toothpaste foam in my hair. That could be a metaphor for my life.

My life can only be explained by my ex having the most effective voodoo doll ever.

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.

My new rules for dating: If you're not Ryan Gosling or a millionaire, don't bother

We all make mistakes. I used a heart emoticon once.

Someone should invent a car that runs on the hate from message boards.

It's crazy that every book is just a different combination of 26 letters.......

I'm starting to think I could make a pretty decent living taking the dollars people offer me when they bum cigarettes.

yes.
i am shallow enough to fall in love with your mind and then beg you to not send me a picture.

Does anyone else suddenly feel insanely insecure when someone incredibly attractive looks you in the eye.

This new lotion I bought has some glitter in it so now I'm dancing naked singing Xanadu.

Demi Moore is out of rehab, so hide your fetus cuz she's gonna want to marry it

Coffee is for people who DON'T want to kill their coworkers.

Can anyone tell me the procedure for when a client bursts into tears on the phone?

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

I hate when I'm cranky for no good reason then get my period and have to pretend the two events are unrelated.

You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

I am not much of a pizza person. I would say I am only 25-35% pizza.