Crap Bashes

I just signed and sent off the divorce papers. It's been three years. THAT'S how much I hate communicating with her.

Guys, I think Mario and the rest were go-karting on the road I'm driving on. Well, I haven't seen any of them but there's a banana peel.

Coffee is for people who DON'T want to kill their coworkers.

Just so you know, most lifeguards don't appreciate it when you give them the band-aids you find in the pool.

My favorite book is a meatball sub.

"You deserve a vacation" is just a fancy way of saying "we're out of bologna, so you should turn yourself in if you want dinner tonight."

If you don't apply your daily moisturizer to your face in dots like Princess Amidala, you're probably on time for work more often than I am.

I think I've made about three right decisions out of the 897 thousand I've been faced with in life so far... so that's good.

Just got the school call. Daughter has lice and super-long hair. Makes your head itch, doesn't it?

Do these tribal tattoos on my upper arm make me look like I made a bad decision in the late 90's?

Say what you will about Paula Dean, but her recipes are diabetelicious.

Your first mistake was saying, 'let's make some sense of this.'

Just ate two blueberry waffles held in my bear hands like freshly caught salmon.

I'm not a morning person or a night time person. I don't think I'm even a person.

Every time you say "cool beans" another hot boy thinks you're a lesbian.

Hey guys remember when Brad Pitt was all You do NOT talk about Fight Club and we've been talking about it ever since? Hahaha what a loser.

There’s something about you I don’t like, but I can’t seem to put my middle finger on it.

I'm a little disappointed every time I close a mirrored medicine cabinet and there's NOT a serial killer standing right behind me.

"In love" is just code for "stupid".

I've got all my moves down pat..I just need one of you guys to be here to throw the bucket of water on me as soon as I finish my FlashDance?