Crap Bashes

One minute you have faith in humanity, and the next you hear an adult man say, "delish."

It looks like the weekend weather will be good for outdoor chores and projects. Damn it.

Sometimes when I'm brushing my teeth I lean forward to spit and I get toothpaste foam in my hair. That could be a metaphor for my life.

My favorite book is a meatball sub.

When I was married I used to get a lot more "pretending to sleep time" that's the only part I miss.

One crazy thing would be if you went to a funeral and there was a dead shark in the casket, but no one was acknowledging how weird that was.

If he doesn't get fired today. I'm quitting. - My coworkers

"Hey, where's all the blood gone?"
is what I say if someone overcooks my steak.

I'm a little disappointed every time I close a mirrored medicine cabinet and there's NOT a serial killer standing right behind me.

It took a little over a year, but I think my dog finally has me trained.

I will crush you like an ant!

Me talking to ants.

I did nothing today to help mankind, now I know what a Kardashian feels like.

Watching a fat person trying to dig a cell phone out of their front pocket while sitting down is totally exhausting.

I've got all my moves down pat..I just need one of you guys to be here to throw the bucket of water on me as soon as I finish my FlashDance?

"You're medicating yourself."

Usually stated by someone who isn't making money medicating yourself.

All I want to do with my stupid life is make 55 million dollars from my brain and be friends with rappers and have nine dogs and that's it.

Someone in front of me walked through a door and left it open for me but I was too far away and had to do a little jog. So no gym tonight.

Hey Obama, how about, "Everyone Has to Look Like Their Profile Picture in Person" for a campaign slogan?

I think I've made about three right decisions out of the 897 thousand I've been faced with in life so far... so that's good.

If you mean years of financial and emotional stress with brief moments of joy and finally death, then yes, everything is going to be OK.