Crap Bashes

I want to be the reason they close down a theme park ride.

I think I've made about three right decisions out of the 897 thousand I've been faced with in life so far... so that's good.

If you don't apply your daily moisturizer to your face in dots like Princess Amidala, you're probably on time for work more often than I am.

I want to meet a gay guy named Ray, so I can make stupid Ray gay/reggae puns in a Jamaican accent around him.

Damn. We're going out shopping for furniture, and I forgot my wheelbarrow full of cash.

I just signed and sent off the divorce papers. It's been three years. THAT'S how much I hate communicating with her.

The easiest way to be successful in life is to be a girl.

I'm a little disappointed every time I close a mirrored medicine cabinet and there's NOT a serial killer standing right behind me.

If you mean years of financial and emotional stress with brief moments of joy and finally death, then yes, everything is going to be OK.

My contact lenses are trying to melt my eyeballs right out of their sockets. Time to nerd it up with the glasses. Nerds are hotter anyway.

I miss the days when playing with a cardboard box made me happy as shit.

If you own a cricket team and not pimping them out to bachelorette parties, you are wasting an opportunity.

I win no matter what because I'm destructive and I don't care.

Call me old fashioned but I like when a guy hangs himself upside down from the ceiling wearing a spidey mask so I can have spiderman kisses.

Does anyone else suddenly feel insanely insecure when someone incredibly attractive looks you in the eye.

Watched a porno right to the end last night, there was no talk of sandwiches.

Wish I had cooler enemies.

Someone in front of me walked through a door and left it open for me but I was too far away and had to do a little jog. So no gym tonight.

Demi Moore is out of rehab, so hide your fetus cuz she's gonna want to marry it

Maybe instead of cursive we should have learned Chinese.