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Crap Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #crap


It's pretty awesome how I cook up stuff with my imagination so parallel universe me gets to pull it out of thin air...


#crap  


At a certain point you gotta make the decision to just get up and pee so you can go back to sleep. I'm not there quite yet.


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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


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If we’re not careful one day everything’s going to be made out of plastic, touch wood.


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Hey Obama, how about, "Everyone Has to Look Like Their Profile Picture in Person" for a campaign slogan?


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Just Googled "how to dispose of dead clown bodies" with the sole intent of confusing whoever checks my search history, should I die today.


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Nothing makes me feel more like a Ninja than when I pee and the stream hits the porcelain at just the right angle to be completely silent.


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"Don't mention it."

- someone who wants you to mention it a few more times


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I'm sorry, did you say something? I just saw your tattoos and couldn't hear you over the sound of my pants falling off.


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Convinced myself that the hot office guy doesn’t love me because he’s gay & his 'wife' is just his unfortunate looking sister.


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My friend just Got his hair done again. He's so blonde now he can barely spell his last name.


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Remember when being chased by boys until you screamed was a childhood game and not stalking?


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Just spilled myrrh all over my new pants.


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I just signed and sent off the divorce papers. It's been three years. THAT'S how much I hate communicating with her.


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Demi Moore is out of rehab, so hide your fetus cuz she's gonna want to marry it


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"I am a fool", she said.

And the world nodded its agreement.


#crap  


In some languages, "elevator" roughly translates to "awkward conversation lifting box."


#crap  


Guys, I think Mario and the rest were go-karting on the road I'm driving on. Well, I haven't seen any of them but there's a banana peel.


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I hate when I'm about to write something inspirational and I puke all over my phone and have to get a new one.


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I'm starting to think I could make a pretty decent living taking the dollars people offer me when they bum cigarettes.


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