Crap Bashes

If the nutritional information I'm reading at McDonald's is correct then the guy who ordered in front of me should be dead in 6 seconds.

Nothing's more priceless than the horror on a lady's face when we pull up to my Trailer and she realizes I wasn't kidding about living here.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

When someone replies “NO!” to me asking “Know what I think?” I tell them anyway because that shit's hilarious...

I do the 'Tom Cruise couch jump' onto the toilet when I find pills in someone else's medicine cabinet.

I just signed and sent off the divorce papers. It's been three years. THAT'S how much I hate communicating with her.

Watched a porno right to the end last night, there was no talk of sandwiches.

Remember that game as a kid "stop hitting yourself"?

My wife hates that game.

Add up the numbers in 2012 and you get 5. You have 5 fingers on each of your 2 hands. So, 5 + 2 = 7... As in The 7 Signs of the Apocalypse.

My kids are everything to me. The loves of my life. The joys of my morning. The thorns in my side. The shits of my sphincter and so on.

Hey Obama, how about, "Everyone Has to Look Like Their Profile Picture in Person" for a campaign slogan?

The trouble with being homeless is you never get a day off.

I don't like this new Axe Body Spray Extreme Nacho Pizza Scent nearly as much as I thought I would.

Just Googled "how to dispose of dead clown bodies" with the sole intent of confusing whoever checks my search history, should I die today.

Sometimes when I'm brushing my teeth I lean forward to spit and I get toothpaste foam in my hair. That could be a metaphor for my life.

There must be someone in my life that I haven't screwed up yet.

Surround yourself with people who make you feel like you're not a total piece of shit. Or people with jet skis.

I got nothing.

In my head and my wallet.

I don’t get half the jokes in the bible but I trust in God and laugh anyway.

Besides tasting terrible, that gluten-free stuff is great.