Crap Bashes

One crazy thing would be if you went to a funeral and there was a dead shark in the casket, but no one was acknowledging how weird that was.

If god wanted me to do stuff, he wouldn't have put everything so far away from my bed.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

- a startled fossil

Can I take the tree down now?

My boyfriend told me I’m starting to annoy him because i relate everything to Batman... what a Joker.

Sometimes when I'm brushing my teeth I lean forward to spit and I get toothpaste foam in my hair. That could be a metaphor for my life.

My new rules for dating: If you're not Ryan Gosling or a millionaire, don't bother

Nothing's more priceless than the horror on a lady's face when we pull up to my Trailer and she realizes I wasn't kidding about living here.

Just so you know, most lifeguards don't appreciate it when you give them the band-aids you find in the pool.

If the nutritional information I'm reading at McDonald's is correct then the guy who ordered in front of me should be dead in 6 seconds.

Watched a porno right to the end last night, there was no talk of sandwiches.

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.

I just saw my wife acting very suspicious outside our house. She parked the car without crashing into the fence.

I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

Don’t worry, your demons are fine, keeping warm around your burning soul, laughing at your every line.

When it comes to drugs, why take one when you can take two

I don't know what my girlfriend means by "I'm not real", we're fighting right?

"You deserve a vacation" is just a fancy way of saying "we're out of bologna, so you should turn yourself in if you want dinner tonight."

All I want to do with my stupid life is make 55 million dollars from my brain and be friends with rappers and have nine dogs and that's it.

Damn. We're going out shopping for furniture, and I forgot my wheelbarrow full of cash.