Crap Bashes

Often ask myself "where are you going with this?"

Just spilled myrrh all over my new pants.

"One more photo of your baby's foot and I'm going to.. I'm going to NOT click the like button."- Me, scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed.

I'm going shopping for a bikini after work. In case you were wondering how many antidepressants I just threw down my throat.

Hey guys remember when Brad Pitt was all You do NOT talk about Fight Club and we've been talking about it ever since? Hahaha what a loser.

I hate when I'm about to write something inspirational and I puke all over my phone and have to get a new one.

I bet Luigi knew that Mario 2 game was a bullshit dream the whole time. He'd pull up a turnip and whisper "end this goddamn lie."

Does anyone else suddenly feel insanely insecure when someone incredibly attractive looks you in the eye.

I'm kind of the tough guy in my aerobics class.

Anything you say can and will be used against you by a woman.

Just so you know, most lifeguards don't appreciate it when you give them the band-aids you find in the pool.

Convinced myself that the hot office guy doesn’t love me because he’s gay & his 'wife' is just his unfortunate looking sister.

My friend just Got his hair done again. He's so blonde now he can barely spell his last name.

Spoon is probably the best poo-smuggling word in the English language.

If god wanted me to do stuff, he wouldn't have put everything so far away from my bed.

Name your greatest fear. Name it Kevin.

Horses are pretty good at making hollow coconut clapping noises with their feet.

If I was Mark Wahlberg's real friend, I'd make sure I was always walking ahead of him so I could turn around and yell, "C'MON, C'MON!"

My kids are everything to me. The loves of my life. The joys of my morning. The thorns in my side. The shits of my sphincter and so on.

I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.