Funny Bashes

I've been awake for an hour and I've already cried twice. I don't know what that means, but I bet its going to involve tampons.

Though my legs walked for miles;
my mind had wandered off on its own, covering vast, unknown distances.

Some people just need a hug. ....Around the neck. ....With a rope.

If you think the priest abuse scandals are bad, wait till the nun shit breaks. Those women are monsters.

Some fish are cool. Not the ones who climb into your peehole, though.

Anything you can do, I can do naked.

I love board games but I get bored with mind games.

So sweet thinking about the spoiled, LA kids who didn't get quite what they wanted. Suck it, Tevin or Janifer.

Some garden gnomes aren't really garden gnomes at all, they're just short people gardening.

When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.

So what you're telling me is Sascha Baron Cohn is NOT Beyonce's alter-ego? Explain the lemur in Madagascar then why don't you.

WHAT IF DINOSAURS MADE THE PYRAMIDS?!?! You don't know. You weren't there.

I got towels from one person, shower gel from another, and perfume from someone else. I am sensing a conspiracy.

Just saw someone get broken up with by text. I know this because he has a Samsung Galaxy and I saw the text from the car behind him.

To be, or not to be, that is the question. I shit you not. ~Shakespeare in a private setting

I left the price tags on all my gifts because I don't want my loved ones worrying about what reserve price they should set on Ebay tomorrow.

Hey I just met you, and this is insane, but hide this package, it’s cocaine.

This coffee tastes pretty good. Let me just dump it all over my shirt instead of drinking it. - Me, this morning.

can't wait to open my new toys that I bought my kids for Christmas because they're mine they better not touch them they're mine

I'm happy the people in those commercials lost weight but maybe go out and buy yourself some new pants that you DON'T have to hold up.