Funny Bashes

I don't like calling them "blackouts". I like to think of them as my life's "deleted scenes".

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. I'm sorry you're Jewish, cause he's real and he's AWESOME! But enjoy your dreidel.

Why do I do naps to myself? Such delicious folly.

Tonight my heart bleeds for girls all over the world who have no boobs, and a shit cell phone.

Retweet me, baby. Retweet me HARD!

Apparently, the difference between 'fisting' and 'fist bumping' is a very awkward meeting with H.R.

#PeopleWhoWereBulliedButNowSuccessful Neville Longbottom. Professor of Herbology at Hogwarts and renowned warrior of the Battle of Hogwarts.

I think these shoelaces are haunted.

#1: When it doesn't matter how much the drinks cost, it's always happy hour.

“I’m trying to poop!” is probably the saddest thing my neighbors have heard me yell at my wife.

I didn't get a pony again this Christmas, but I did get an invitation to go to Tijuana for something that includes a pony and a dog.

The latest "Fast and The Furious" film was the most illegally downloaded of 2011. I'd no idea there were so many dumb gay people

Tampon commercials should just be 30 second montages of women eating chocolate, and stabbing people.

I love coloring my boobs with hair dye.

Jesus turned water into wine? So what. I turned my whole paycheck into beer.

Your move Jesus.

If I ever meet my soulmate I am pretty sure we are going to destroy each other's lives.

Wife: Look at the positives. You being sick means you haven't had a cigarette for 30 hours.
Me: I guess when I'm dead I'll quit for good.

It's not my birthday but you can still buy me presents.

Girls eyebrows these days be looking like they got sponsored by nike.

It's 35 degrees out & I'm walking around in shorts, flip flops & a T shirt. Because if I'm gonna be a white guy, I'm gonna be the best ever.