No subscription or hidden extras
Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #funny
If there's something grosser than yawning inside of a portable toilet I don't know what it is
No, I don't have ants in my pants. I have crabs, but thank you for noticing.
I'm looking for a LeBron James sort of relationship. No ring and I can disappear when you really need me.
Why do men think that packing means throw everything you own in a plastic bag?
I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"
There are two theories to arguing with a woman, neither one works.
Cats are the perfect pets for Presbyterians because you didn’t choose them, they chose you.
I think my GF is the only person in the history of the world to be banned from a public library.
When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.
That common awkward moment when you look in your wallet and all you can say is "shit".
One time I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
If you've never chugged a beer at 7:30 in the morning then I guess you're responsible and shit..Any chance you could take over some of mine?
The best thing about gingers who don’t shave is I can pretend I’m making out with Zach Galifinakis.
Saw an Xterra with a vanity license plate saying "Yeah Ya." I guess "Boo Ya" was already taken.
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Made Up Word of the Day:
Just sang "All I Want For Christmas Is You" to my guinea pig using the beer bottle as a microphone.
Religion is a crutch, hedonism is a sports car.
I glanced out my window while I was listening to Rick Santorum talk and I saw 4 guys riding by on horses.
Her: What's the difference between sarcasm and cynicism? Me: I love it when you ask me smart questions. Her: Really? Me: No.