Funny Bashes

“Yes, that’s a cute baby. You can put it away now.” - me, upon seeing babies

Get your period and leave me alone. I have mysteries to solve.

I keep an empty cage in my room & tell everyone I have a pet chameleon. If they ask why they can't see him I tell them he's just that good.

Women, never ever look underneath a guy's bed, mine especially... You've been warned.

When she pulled down my boxer briefs my boner hit her in her eye.

I probably shouldn't laugh.

What's everyone doing with my banana sweaters?!?!

-The inventor of socks.

Well, a cross-dressing customer just asked me to have a threesome with him and his wife.
How was your day at work?

Barman: "What are you after?"
Me: Numbness please.

Forget the flowers and spend REAL time with the one you love.

Cats love that shit.

Made up Word of the Day:

Husbanned.

I was thinking of learning kung fu for self defense but I really can't afford a panda.

Country music stays at the top off the charts because the people who listen to it don't know how to download it for free.

Had a drug test done today and I'm happy to say that no placebos were found in my system.

Christmas would be great if it wasn't for the shopping and wrapping and stress and getting fat...what I'm saying is, just give me presents.

Made Up Word of the Day:

Faptastic.

Life is like a box of chocolates, I wish everyone was dead.

Eventually the screaming will stop if you press the pillow on his face hard enough.

Your 'NO FEAR' tee shirt tells me you are fearless when it comes to wearing lame clothing.

When I see a "How am I driving?" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

No one ever mentions the best part of the afterlife: Non-stop limbo dancing!