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Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #funny
Saying "never run with scissors" makes it sound like it's okay to run with other shit. Is that what you want? Kids running with chainsaws?
If you've got a rash on your lower legs, it could be your body physically rejecting your Uggs.
Teflon pans may be the reason I don't recognize my loved ones, wander into traffic, and piss myself when I'm 80, but no scrubbing!
Combined, me and my wife have 3 college degrees and by the end of next summer she will have her 4th.
You miserable lot, cheer up! So WHAT if it's raining? Who gives a monkey's?! We're on a giant ball spinning through space and it is AWESOME.
I hate it when I'm in the middle of a fight with a guy and my other personality suddenly shows up and I end up cheerleading in front of him.
When I was 5 I peed on my bedroom floor because it was Xmas Eve & my mom said if I came out of my room Santa wouldn't leave my presents.
There is a whole world of beauty out there. Let's get up, get out and ruin it with our negative energy.
#MyChildhoodHeroes Darth Vader. Name ONE other guy who came back from quadruple amputation, lava bath AND messy divorce. You can't.
Sometimes when I'm stopped at red lights, people think I'm texting on my phone but I'm actually looking at my crotch.
"I didn't enjoy it because I had to pee the whole time" describes far too many of my life's experiences.
When I start dieting and exercising my girlfriend thinks I'm trying to impress women, but I just want to fit into my Punisher T-shirt again.
just had a yawn that was so pure and unadulterated I think it may have reset my faith in humanity
