Funny Bashes

Back zits:

Because you did something to piss god off somewhere along the way.

All you need is love....and a bullet proof vest, John.

My resolutions for 2012 are to eat more ham & be less accessible to my family.

You'd think that it would be pretty uncommon to see a pregnant lady throw a tricycle at a cop car but, around here, you'd be wrong.

If ya just shake the camera around a bit you'll find you don't need all those fancy Hollywood special effects.

Australian filmmakers.

Tell Satan he can go to bed. I'm awake for my shift now.

I looked up "idiot" in the dictionary, but didn't see a picture of you beside it because dictionaries don't have pictures, idiot.

Sending someone a Xmas salami stick is a cute way of saying, "I think you're a filthy garbage person who'd eat meat out of their mailbox."

My dad used a movie called The Howling to explain the birds and bees to me. Yeah, it's as bad as it sounds.

This cocaine tastes like an inability to enjoy myself without it.

I can't tell if this is dubstep or someone in corduroy pants walking next to a lobster in boiling water.

I can't believe Mary's parents bought that whole "pregnant virgin" story.

One Direction. When they smile, we smile. When they're sad, we're sad. When they're happy. We're the happiest. When they're topless. We die.

Dobby and his sock did a better love story than Twilight did in 4 films.

I spent the majority of our relationship trying to convince my ex to get m&m's tattooed on his balls.

I'm not saying don't throw your dog a birthday party, I'm just saying if I hear about it, there's no place on this earth for you to hide.

I pulled this one out of your mom.

My girlfriend hates it when I say she’d be better off with someone else (like her husband for instance).

Sorry I wasn't under your tree today. Santa did his best, chloroform, baseball bat and bribery.

My kids come first today. Merry Christmas!

Saw an Xterra with a vanity license plate saying "Yeah Ya." I guess "Boo Ya" was already taken.