Funny Bashes

#MyChildhoodHeroes Darth Vader. Name ONE other guy who came back from quadruple amputation, lava bath AND messy divorce. You can't.

If you've got a rash on your lower legs, it could be your body physically rejecting your Uggs.

Cupcakes.
Serving suggestion:

KEEP SHOVING THEM INTO YOUR FACE HOLE UNTIL THE WORLD LOVES YOU, JESS.

Chick just asked me why my body is completely hairless. Told her grass doesn't grow on a playground. #BOOM

You miserable lot, cheer up! So WHAT if it's raining? Who gives a monkey's?! We're on a giant ball spinning through space and it is AWESOME.

Feeling something solid go in with the sip of coffee and letting the mouthful pour back into the mug for investigation...

Good times.

It would be pretty cool if instead of getting "a rose" on The Bachelor, the girls would get "some self esteem."

A good gag to play on your kids if you're on your deathbed: Hand them a map with a bunch of random circles drawn on it and then just die.

Every time my daughter comes home from school and says "I got another D today" I die a little inside.

This guy standing right next to me is wearing SO MUCH perfume. Hold on ... it's a mirror. How embarrassing.

I know my dreams will never come true mainly because I'm a mermaid princess in most of them.

People who buy exercise equipment from infomercials clearly aren't evolved from the same high calibre apes that we came from.

Life would be so much easier if our arms disappeared during our sleep.

Mom asked what I was looking at on my phone & I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head, "gay porn". Close call!

The liquor store cashier asked me my birth date so I said "12-25-0000", and stared into his eyes majestically.

I bet the government knows who let the dogs out.

I'm not advocating this, but "Not enough centaurs" would be a pretty sweet suicide letter.

what is happening in the southeast asia punk movement right now makes english and american predecessors look like beliebers

Pretty weird how some people have moustaches all over their body.

Tweeting is a thinkless job.