Funny Bashes

I secretly love when the power goes out and I'm not the only one bumping into everything.

Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap.

Must be his alarm system.

I'm trying to get into the BEST of Holiday spirits but someone locked the liquor cabinet :(

I bet the government knows who let the dogs out.

I've have never walked away from a problem.

I've dropped a few off on the moors and driven away really quickly though.

Good thing no one just saw me try to take a sip of my phone.

Saw a picture of Justin Bieber on a horse. It looked as natural as sauerkraut on a bean bag chair.

I just wrote:
Thank god for Vodka.

Notice which word I capitalized... Questions, anyone?

Rumors about "Belieber" being added to the dictionary. I think they had to make room by pushing out words such as "sane" and "rational."

My roommate is being a total c-rag. He keeps shitting with the door open and he won't stop calling me his "wife."

I ate one piece of bacon and my right foot fell asleep. That's normal right?

Everybody knows that Count Dracula could destroy the entire Cullen family with his hands tied behind his back.

What cologne should I wear today? Depression, Desperation or Despair?

A guy told me that my eyes remind him of "black holes in the sky". And they say romance is dead. Pfft.

I've smoked so much weed that I've been having short-term memory loss issues and I've been having short-term memory loss issues as well.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

It's a great day to not tweet about the weather.

The biggest lie of all is "I better not delete that. I might watch it again."

When I die, bury me with an everything bagel. Lots of cream cheese please. Thanks.

My kids don't believe me when I tell them that not all babies are made in China.