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Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #funny
No matter how crushing your victory, never yell 'who's ya Daddy' at the orphanage ping pong championships.
Nothing says, "When I was a kid, daddy directed hardcore porn movies in our living room." quite like blue lipstick.
A good gag to play on your kids if you're on your deathbed: Hand them a map with a bunch of random circles drawn on it and then just die.
"I didn't enjoy it because I had to pee the whole time" describes far too many of my life's experiences.
Lemon Drop martinis have been dropping women's panties since cavemen found out what to do with lemons.
It would be pretty cool if instead of getting "a rose" on The Bachelor, the girls would get "some self esteem."
I love when commercials are like "because four million people can't be wrong," because then I'm like, "Really? even Nazi Germany?"
Now I am singing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera to my family. It is my gift to them. It is going okay.
A guy told me that my eyes remind him of "black holes in the sky". And they say romance is dead. Pfft.
If we were stranded on an island, first thing I'd do is make that not going hungry joke about all the sand-which-is there. Then I'd eat you.
