Funny Bashes

Me: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: What for?
Me: TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!! What do you think for?

16 and Pregnant is yesterday's news. The future belongs to 600-lb preteens who didn't know they were pregnant.

I'm not a pessimist. I'm a depressed realist.

Using a cookie as a plate for another cookie

What time are you supposed to take your kid door to door for presents?

I guess it's time to take that Christmas tree down.

One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

Neighbor's party is super loud. Can't sleep. Probably gonna take the roofie I'd planned to use on Clive Owen if I ever met him.

I looked up "idiot" in the dictionary, but didn't see a picture of you beside it because dictionaries don't have pictures, idiot.

Happiness can come in many shapes. One shape it comes in is a cup. And that cup is filled with coffee.

Saw a guy driving a car with a Backstreet Boys bumper sticker, so I guess I saw a Backstreet Boy.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have said "Take a picture, It'll last longer!" to that tourist with a camera who caught me masturbating.

Dear Santa, I know it's April but could you........ http://t.co/9OUT7Wyb

Aiming the glow of my computer screen towards the disgruntled spirits shuffling from corner to corner of my room.

My resolutions for 2012 are to eat more ham & be less accessible to my family.

When I wake up, I pass through stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Snoozing the alarm
6. Sleeping again

My son just said something was "unpossible." Looks like I can take down all those Harvard posters & pennants. He's no Rory Gilmore.

My beard went from "scruffy rogue" to "homeless" in less than 12 hours.

there's too much coffee in my booze.

Your not making any sense could you take your clothes off.