Funny Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #funny

They say your heart is with the last person you think about at night. My heart is with pizza.

Here's hoping your therapy came with the extended warranty this year.

Why do men think that packing means throw everything you own in a plastic bag?

When a woman says to a man “I won't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth.” A Villain's 'challenge accepted' lightbulb turns on.

If I were a contestant on The Bachelor I'd just end up falling in love with the weird sound guy and making things uncomfortable for everyone

If anybody gives their baby for me to hold, I will raise it up in the air saying "SIMBA". That should deter them from doing that shit to me.

If I understood what you just said I would have laughed too.

Change your avi to something new and you're dead to me. That shit is so scary. It's like showing up to work with a different head.

I'm making an ice sculpture! What animal should it be? Nevermind. That's not important anymore. Help me find my legs. Check by the chainsaw.

I really need to stop getting high. Last time, I got lost for well over an hour... while crossing the street.

The sound of 37 million people throwing up this morning was my alarm clock

That bang you heard was just my head hitting the floor.

People who think living well is the best revenge have clearly never broken into someone's house and sewn all their clothes together.

You should be able to pick your own name instead of your parents. I could've been Radeus Tron-Boner instead of this "Kyle Kinane" bullshit.

PSA: Never take parenting advice from me, unless it's about not dropping your kid, then listen.

When my friends and I go out to drink the rule is whoever throws up first has to drive us home.

I got towels from one person, shower gel from another, and perfume from someone else. I am sensing a conspiracy.

I know its semantics but a police officer who was born with a withered arm shouldn't be allowed to use the idiom "the long arm of the law".

Beautiful morning in Glasgow* *Glasgow reserves the right to change the terms & conditions at a moment's notice and pish doon awe day.

I was playing Pictionary & the word was crazy. I wrote my girlfriend's name & circled it three times, but she still didn't get it.