Funny Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #funny

I'm gonna stop procrastinating one of these days.

Every time my daughter comes home from school and says "I got another D today" I die a little inside.

Good thing no one just saw me try to take a sip of my phone.

Help! My bed is a glue trap and I can't get up.

If you've got a rash on your lower legs, it could be your body physically rejecting your Uggs.

All you need is love....and a bullet proof vest, John.

Every bar is a karaoke bar if you're annoying enough.

I asked my son if he knew where babies come from. He said 8th grade girls from Arkansas. So, awkward conversation averted.

Nothing says: “I don’t care, I’m getting shitfaced tonight” like buying that one gallon bottle of wine.

People who think living well is the best revenge have clearly never broken into someone's house and sewn all their clothes together.

The world would be a better place if we were all allowed to randomly doodle stuff on bald guys heads.

“I’m trying to poop!” is probably the saddest thing my neighbors have heard me yell at my wife.

“Yes, that’s a cute baby. You can put it away now.” - me, upon seeing babies

Anything you can do, I can do naked.

Empathize is where I take a pen and stick it into your throat when you’re talking to me, right?

Demi's friend told 911 operator she had smoked "incense". OK, that's code for "weed" right?
That would explain the Red-Whip thing.

"My name will echo in glory through the halls of time for a thousand generations." - Anonymous.

Whenever someone unfollows me, they die within 3 months. Weird right?

Been watching two toddlers dance for the past hour and now I'm going to go ask them who's their dealer...

#PeopleWhoWereBulliedButNowSuccessful Neville Longbottom. Professor of Herbology at Hogwarts and renowned warrior of the Battle of Hogwarts.