Funny Bashes

This cat is clearly a genius. http://t.co/OqkrrvIx

I was thinking of learning kung fu for self defense but I really can't afford a panda.

Unfortunately being witty doesn't make you pretty.

If I move to a foreign country & refuse to learn the language, people will do stuff for me & I never have to say please or thank you again.

My spirit animal when high is 74% squirrel and 56% cookie monster, who can't do math.

Binoculars. The gift that says, "I know what you're up to."

"I'm having trouble finding myself." - Waldo in therapy.

Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

Worst thing about being outdoors is imagining all of the great stuff you could be missing out if you were inside.

I'm like the "e" in Marvin Gaye. Silent and kind of awkward.

I wonder if bakers sing,"the BUN that got away..."

"Crumbs are getting everywhere! I don't think he's even eating those cookies!" - me every time I watched Cookie Monster on Sesame Street

I signal that a conversation is over by clamping my hands over your ears.

Life is like a box of chocolates: I don't have one right now

I love coloring my boobs with hair dye.

My friend was gushing over this sweater his girlfriend hand-weaved for him and I was like, "Ugh, get a loom!"

I wish more women would say, "smell my finger."

Sitting awkwardly behind intertwined couple, feeling jealous until she surfaces long enough to comment, "You taste like ham."

Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap.

Must be his alarm system.

36 years old and still single.

Mom thinks I'm gay.

Dad thinks I figured out the whole system.

+1 Dad.