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Funny Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #funny


I'd let Jesus come into my heart but I don't want to get pregnant.


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Don't worry, my passive aggression only lasts until the 4th drink, then it becomes passionate aggression.


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I pulled this one out of your mom.


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The good news about the zombie apocalypse is that when they come looking for brains, A LOT of people will be safe.


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Who needs fake spray-on snow when you've got a year's worth of dandruff trapped in the corners of your office windows.


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Ke$ha had "suck it" tattooed on the inside of her lip, which is normal behavior for a chick whose pretend name has a dollar sign in it.


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Just a reminder I won't pay taxes or sleep until the MONSTER that posted those nude photos of Scarlett Johansson is captured & executed.


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Whoa. The olympics started?! When'd that happen? They should do better publicity. Maybe put it on beer cans for people who have a life.


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Using a cookie as a plate for another cookie


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Time to strap on the bra and get professional.


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I can't see how anyone could be depressed this time of year with both Santa Claus and baby Jesus around.


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Children are the future. If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.


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Morning.

Notice how I missed the 'Good' off there.


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I'm not saying don't throw your dog a birthday party, I'm just saying if I hear about it, there's no place on this earth for you to hide.


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Oh you have swag? I bet that looks great on a resume.


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I spend the last two hours before going to bed being nervous about waking up. Great use of my time. Highly recommend.


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“I used to be self-conscious about my height but then I thought, f*ck that, I'm Harry Potter.” - Daniel Radcliffe


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I'd make an excellent member of a mafia family. I'm half italian, I love pasta and I make offers people can't refuse.


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2 Fast, 2 Furious - My cousin, the premature ejaculator and his wife, the perpetually unsatisfied.


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Being an emotional mess is like living in a choose your own adventure book. On page 23 you cry in the diaper aisle at Target.


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