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Funny Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #funny


If it walks like a douche and talks like a douche, it could still possibly be an enema.


#funny  


Her: So what makes a martini dirty?


Me: Whatever we do after your 5th one.


#funny  


No don't do that with your tongue.



That's what she didn't say.


#funny  


If alcohol or drugs isn’t the answer then I really don’t want to hear the question.


#funny  


Since I live in an RV and don't have a chimney, Santa walked through the door with a giant bottle of vodka and now I have a headache.


#funny  


Get your period and leave me alone. I have mysteries to solve.


#funny  


"Maybe I shouldn't have done that" - me after every meal


#funny  


Once lost is lost forever:
1) Virginity
2) Innocence
3) Youth
4) Translation
5) Marbles


#funny  


"Honey, I'm home!" —a very lonely bear


#funny  


So, we're exclusive, right?


#funny  


When he says “You look incredible tonight,” what she hears is “Before tonight, and possibly time itself, you have looked incredibly bad.”


#funny  


Tampon commercials should just be 30 second montages of women eating chocolate, and stabbing people.


#funny  


i'm so attracted to you that i'll probably never talk to you again.


#funny  


Still more than a year away and all the stores have their Christmas stuff up already. Unbelievable.


#funny  


Alright, who the hell smoked all my weed last night while I was at home smoking all my weed?


#funny  


Unfortunately being witty doesn't make you pretty.


#funny  


Whenever I take the last cup of coffee, I like to inexplicably make a new pot of just hot water.


#funny  


If you've never chugged a beer at 7:30 in the morning then I guess you're responsible and shit..Any chance you could take over some of mine?


#funny  


Some garden gnomes aren't really garden gnomes at all, they're just short people gardening.


#funny  


I’ve been doing a lot of Bikram Yoga, except room temperature and no stretching and in my bed and watching TV.


#funny  



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