#ark

Sow a thought and reap an action, sow an action and reap a habit, sow a habit and reap a destiny - John Cleaver ↗

— Dan Wells

#fiction #humor

My boss is like an angry bear with a sore head and poison ivy up his ass. ↗

— E.L. James

#fifty-shades-darker #humor #humor

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.” - Simon Hunt ↗

— Dannika Dark

#careful #dannika-dark #funny #humor #mageri

A million dollars? A bit much don't you think?" "Fuck you." Caleb smiled, the self indulgent little shit. "My apologies," he mocked with a slight forward bow, "What I meant to say is: no pussy's that good. Though yours does come close. ↗

— C.J. Roberts

#hilarious-but-true #humor

All right,” she said a little sarcastically. “I was going to assume you liked eating babies and sacrificing virgins, but I might as well ask, what do you do for fun?” “I languish in sin,” I replied in the same tone. “I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#dark #humor #michael #sarcasm #humor

What about the whiskey?" Jack said as they ran. "Won't it keep them out?" The Green Maidens don't drink anything but blood." Bob's disembodied voice floated after them. "The whiskey magick won't affect them." Wonderful," the old actor muttered, a tremor of fear in his voice. "I should've poured a Bloody Mary. ↗

— Lesley Livingston

#drinks #faeries #humor #humor

Oh" She seems relieved. "So you weren't—" "Don't worry, Ms.Grey. I wasn't drinking, smoking, toking or snorting in school. I keep the recreational drug use at home where it belongs. ↗

— Courtney Summers

#parker-fadley #humor

Life's a grave dig it. ↗

— K.R. Helms

#humor

You didn’t feed from her,” he said, and this was not a question. “Swill poison? Not my kind of fun, little brother.” One corner of Stefan’s mouth quirked up. He made no response to this, but simply looked at Damon with eyes that were... knowing. Damon bridled. “I told the truth!” “Going to take it up as a hobby? ↗

— L.J. Smith

#humanity #humor #snark #humor

Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly. ↗

— Melissa Jo Peltier

#reality-tv #satire #television #humor