#hell

That face. That body. And you know he’s packing. Look at the angle on that dangle. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#funny

Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain....details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#funny

Don't look pleased with yourself. When Will says 'enterprising, ' he means 'morally deficient. '" "No, I mean enterprising, " said Will. "When I mean morally deficient, I say, 'Now, that's something I would have done. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny

I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls. ↗

— K.A. Mitchell

#funny #k-a-mitchell #sport #funny

Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends." Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said: "He's not my friend!" "Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status. ↗

— Cardeno C.

#funny-as-hell #m-m-romance #funny

If you do bad stuff and don't repent, you go to hell," Orc said, like he was begging for a refutation. "Yeah, well, you know what? If Howard's in hell, I guess we can all have a big get-together soon enough. a ↗

— Michael Grant

#funny #get-togethers #hell #orc #repenting

Yeah, I got her,” Will confirms. “Who you got?” I ask. “You, drunk girl. Come on.” He turns to lead me toward the exit, and I start to follow him, but for some reason my feet don’t work very well. “Um, Will?” “Yeah?” “I lost my feet.” “What?” he laughs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can’t find my feet.” Why is everyone laughing at me? This is serious! ↗

— Kristen Proby

#funny-as-hell #funny

There once was a man who was sore 'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door. Celibacy is just not for me Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. ↗

— Jake Wizner

#funny

Miranda: You say you were my guardian angel. Does that mean you watched me all the time? Like when I got my period or doctored a zit or took a shower or- Zachary: I'm an angel, not a Peeping Tom. ↗

— Cynthia Leitich Smith

#funny

Wishing he'd...get the hell out the door before I do something crazy like ask him to whip out his goober. ↗

— Stephanie McAfee

#funny