#row

Before he sat down, my internal heat-seekers sensed what was coming my way: deep blue eyes that melted girls like Velveeta in a microwave. I tried to resist those microwave eyes, but sometimes there's no defense against them. I had a feeling I'd be seeing him weeping over my coffin later that night. ↗

— Natalie Standiford

#humor #microwaves #natalie-standiford #humor

Out of curiosity, when do I grow up and become a fullfledged man with a penis?” “When words like ‘hump day’ don’t make you giggle like a twelve-year-old,” he retorted, blowing smoke my way. “Wow, that long? ↗

— Dani Alexander

#growing-up #humor #hump-day #humor

When I was a kid we played cowboys and Indians, and I always wanted to be an Indian when I grew up. ↗

— Ville Valo

#cowboys-and-indians #games #grow #humor #pursue

Libations are for the gods. Cocktails are for mere mortals. ↗

— Jonathan Kieran

#blogs #books #goodreads #humor #jonathan-kieran

Did you ever think about the creation of the flame-thrower? Someone, somewhere, at some time must have been sitting on his porch, and said, thoughtfully, 'I want to set him on fire.' gesturing to his neighbor. His friend who sat beside him and happened to be handy with tools said, 'I can do that.' Thus, we have a flame thrower. ↗

— John Larson

#humor #inventions #humor

That's one of the things we learn as we grow older -- how to forgive. It comes easier at forty than it did at twenty. ↗

— L.M. Montgomery

#forgiveness #growing-up #life-lessons #age

Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bow #buffalo #butterfly #humble #humility

...you disappoint me -I am the worst liar in the world - I can't hide my pain or my need so I make a bouquet of my sorrows and give them to you ... ↗

— John Geddes

#liar #lies #love #pain #poetry

At the concert I'm going to crown the best looking man, Mr. Tampa. Bald men definitely have an edge. ↗

— Christine Lavin

#best #concert #crown #definitely #edge

The loves and sorrows that are great are destroyed by their own plentitude. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#love #sorrow #love