#si

Who was it that said, “Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#government #great-depression #herbert-hoover #maxim #metaphor

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #reaper-man #unseen-university #vetinari #funny

Lonely people have enthusiasms which cannot always be explained. When something strikes them as funny, the intensity and length of their laughter mirrors the depth of their loneliness, and they are capable of laughing like hyenas. When something touches their emotions, it runs through them like Paul Revere, awakening feelings that gather into great armies. ↗

— Mark Helprin

#intensity #laughter #loneliness #lonely-people #funny

It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare, you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare." "And what is that nightmare, Craig?" "Life. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#life #nightmare #funny

Silena appeared out of the woods, her sword drawn. Her Aphrodite armour was pink and red, colour coordinated to match her clothes and makeup. She looked like Guerilla Warfare Barbie. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#pink #silena-beauregard #funny

I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck. ↗

— Liz Tuccillo

#love #single #funny

Alec licked his spoon, then set it on the table and popped his drink open. "Okay, I may be breaking some kind of girl bonding rule or something, but can I offer you a guy's perspective on this?" I frowned, my spoon halfway to my mouth. "Is this gonna make me want to hit you?" He shrugged. "Maybe. But it's the truth. Here goes: kissing back is an instinct. Unless the girl smells like a sewer or has tentacles feeling you up independently, a guy's first instinct is to kiss back. That's how it works. What's important is how long that kissing back lasted. So...how long? ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#funny #guys #kissing-back-is-instinct #funny

When those lips engulfed my head, I said to myself later, ‘nothing else will ever touch this scalp again’. I couldn’t help it, though. I lathered sunscreen on it unthinkingly the next day before I went out. But it was the first time in the suburbs I ever felt no less pure for not showering. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #kissing #sacred #funny

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #scam #truth #university

His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he's kissing Courtney. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into mine, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all I have left. Little electric sparks sip through my bloodstream, making sure every nerve in my body is focused on his amazing mouth. ↗

— Tera Lynn Childs

#humor #kissing #forgiveness