#un

I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #hungry #funny

My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#electrocution #funny #funny

Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.' 'Girls don't shave', Arya said. 'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs? ↗

— George R.R. Martin

#a-song-of-ice-and-fire #arya-stark #cutting #funny #george-r-r-martin

I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dance #flattery #funny #funny

We must, we must, we must increase our bust. ↗

— Judy Blume

#humor #mantra #funny

The woman rolled her eyes. “DarkRiver males are damn possessive and complete exhibitionists during the mating dance.” Sascha ran through her dictionary of changeling terminology and could find no fit. “Mating dance?” Mercy whistled. Dorian winced. Tamsyn suddenly got interested in her dough. Clay and Vaughn mysteriously disappeared. Behind her, Lucas’s body was a hard wall of heat. “I think we need to discuss this upstairs. ↗

— Nalini Singh

#lucas #nalini-singh #sascha #funny

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,' Paris muttered. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#showalter #funny

Is there any good news?' Tesla said. Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be good news? ↗

— Clive Barker

#funny #life #funny

Did you really just invite Adrian to your room later?" asked Lissa. Avery shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes we hang out once you guys are all tucked into bed. You aren't going to get jealous, are you?" "No," laughed Lissa. "Just curious. Adrian's a good guy." "Oh?" asked Christian. "Define 'good'." Avery held up her hand and began ticking items off with each finger. "He's devastatingly handsome, funny, rich, related to the queen..." "You got your wedding colors picked out?" asked Lissa, still laughing. "Not yet," said Avery. "I'm still testing the waters. I figured he'd be an easy notch on the Avery Lazar belt, but he's kind of hard to read." "I really don't want to be hearing this," Christian said. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#christian-ozera #lissa-dragomir #funny