Annoying Bashes

I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.

I think everyone would appreciate how fast and angry I'm doing laundry right now.

The problem is not Mondays, it's the human species.

Some people lie so much they begin to believe their own bullshit.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

I hate every single AXE commercial ever.

Yea, I have my first hater. It's a shame he's a gutless little prick with no balls.

I wish I didn't suck so bad at being a human being.

Some people can just hop out of bed and immediately start their day, those people need to be hit with a shovel.

I'd like to one day meet the mothers who allow their daughters to be on 'toddlers and tiaras' so I can vomit in their faces.

168 McDonald's monopoly pieces later, and all I won was heart disease.

Oh, you cheated on your beautiful girlfriend with a hoe that looks like Chewbacca? Good choice.

If you make a "duck face" in my presence I will not hesitate to throw bread crumbs at you.

Sometimes I regret being nice, apologizing when I didn't do anything wrong, and for making unworthy people a priority in my life.

"Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

It sucks how you can't be sociable and well-liked if you don't like singing along to 'Sweet Caroline'.

Those butterflies in your stomach just shit all over the place.

In some ways this summer felt like a punishment for complaining about last winter.

Hey I like you, let's get to know each other and then ignore each other for no particular reason, because life can't be confusing enough.

There you are, feeling pretty good about yourself. Then you hear a recording of yourself talk.