Annoying Bashes

There you are, feeling pretty good about yourself. Then you hear a recording of yourself talk.

Light snow in Philly this morning. Be sure to drive like a maniac like you've never seen the shit before.

Guys, I figured out why NYC is the city that never sleeps. It's the techno music from the rooftop bar above my hotel room.

My 1-year-old got butter in my hair. Just when I think she likes me, I learn she can't tell the difference between my head and toast.

Life is meaningless. Everything fun is illegal, delicious food makes you fat and the Kardashians are celebrities.

Why can’t dumb people be fun like puppies and not tedious like babies?

When I was young, my dad convinced me that the icecream truck only played music when it was out of icecream.

Well played, Dad, well played.

Jesus, Monday, at least let me get my pants on.

Sometimes I regret being nice, apologizing when I didn't do anything wrong, and for making unworthy people a priority in my life.

That's funny, my horoscope didn't say ANYTHING about going to bed alone again.

I wish I didn't suck so bad at being a human being.

Breakups were more fun when you got to throw things at their head instead of just unfriending them on facebook.

Romantic bubble bath for one, 'cause cats can't swim!

The sleep time I'll waste by being too lazy to get up and pee is mind boggling.

I hate it when I get a really cool new tattoo and then I find out that Rihanna just got exactly the same one.

hey, reality.
it's nothing personal, but i think we need a break.

Romance, action and funny. I want that in a man, not in a movie.

Some people lie so much they begin to believe their own bullshit.

It appears evolution is playing a nasty prank on us.

There should be a breathalyzer for bad breath. Arrest those stinkers, they shouldn't be out in public anyway.