Bullshit Bashes

What is this sleeping you all speak of.

Sometimes use the oven instead of the microwave to heat food. Let it know that you still need it. Ovens have feelings too, you know.

Sometimes I make my kids watch horror movies so I look like the good monster.

Saw a dude pushing a "pull" door several times and instead of helping him, I said "never give up. Don't let The Man tell you how to live."

Can't believe they're making us work today when the royal baby could be born any second.

For shame.

I do a great impression of guy who's been murdered when I'm taking a nap.

I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time to eat dinner again.

I can be pretty dumb sometimes but still pretty so whatever.

If I have a son, I'd rather he do drugs than wear a thin gold necklace.

The solar eclipse only lasted two minutes and I didn't hear any women complaining about that.

Do people who own guns walk around the house with them and pretend they're Black & Decker power drills?

Don't assume because someone is skinny that they are in shape. I'm probably a pack of cigarettes and a sudden run away from a heart attack.

I’m pretty adventurous in bed.

Sometimes I sleep with three, maybe four pillows.

I would really love to listen to your bullshit but I’ve got no time to listen to your bullshit.

I have a hard time falling asleep because I have a hard time putting my phone down.

I'm shocked that everyone's so shocked about Miley being shocking.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Bread is square. Cheese is square. Get with the program, bologna!

I shaved my beard and now people have stopped throwing change at me when I tie my shoes.

I want 100% of your attention 100% of the time. I don't think I'm asking for much.