Bullshit Bashes

Until I saw "Bridesmaids," I had no idea that women mostly poo in sinks.

Good luck convincing me that Australians don't ride kangaroos to work.

If they just made the inhalers look like cigarettes having asthma would be so much cooler.

Can't believe they're making us work today when the royal baby could be born any second.

For shame.

Someone just told me I am the Bill to their Ted. I'm not sure how to feel about this, dude.

"I don't know anything about these murders!" -Very forgetful murderer

If you tie me in a chair and repeatedly play the soundtrack from Glee, I'm pretty sure you could extract a false confession.

I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time to eat dinner again.

Am I the only one who's acting their age around here? And who has finger lasers? Pew pew.

I must be using the wrong soap. This pain is not going anywhere.

I don't know why they call it over-slept?

If anything, I could use more.

If pizza rolls were bigger, we could use them as a pillow.

I'm pretty good at inventing shit that already exists, like the time I invented The Shower Chair nursing homes had been using for years.

Weird to think that triangles didn't exist before the Illuminati.

I do a great impression of guy who's been murdered when I'm taking a nap.

I want 100% of your attention 100% of the time. I don't think I'm asking for much.

How long does evolution take cuz I've been in this bathtub for 2 hours and no fins. Ya, right, Darwin. Idiot.

Whenever I think this world is falling apart, I remember that someone decided to put pizza on a mini bagel and my faith is restored

Going back to the high school today. One of two things will happen:
1. I will die
2. I will live

I have a hard time falling asleep because I have a hard time putting my phone down.