Bullshit Bashes

What is this sleeping you all speak of.

If pizza rolls were bigger, we could use them as a pillow.

If they just made the inhalers look like cigarettes having asthma would be so much cooler.

I can be pretty dumb sometimes but still pretty so whatever.

It's quite sad that our ancestors didn't have any phones to stare at when they were at the traffic light.

I don't know why they call it over-slept?

If anything, I could use more.

Intimidate a tree by waving a stack of papers at it.

I do a great impression of guy who's been murdered when I'm taking a nap.

The good thing about falling into a bottomless pit is that you’ll never hit rock bottom.

Do guys that wear white pants also wear a pad in their panties in case they start spotting too?

If I have a son, I'd rather he do drugs than wear a thin gold necklace.

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence, girls love that shit.

Serial killers probably start off as normal people who wind up consistently having to poop AFTER their shower.

Crackers eaten in the dark don't have any calories.

Sometimes I make my kids watch horror movies so I look like the good monster.

I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time to eat dinner again.

If you tie me in a chair and repeatedly play the soundtrack from Glee, I'm pretty sure you could extract a false confession.

Going back to the high school today. One of two things will happen:
1. I will die
2. I will live

How long do I wait before I tell my dog he's adopted?

Until I saw "Bridesmaids," I had no idea that women mostly poo in sinks.