Bullshit Bashes

The good thing about falling into a bottomless pit is that you’ll never hit rock bottom.

Weird. My tears go up my face when I cry in Australia.

Sometimes I make my kids watch horror movies so I look like the good monster.

A pretty leaf just blew in my window! Probably the result of a Chinese boy farting 3 months ago. We are all connected…

Intimidate a tree by waving a stack of papers at it.

I don't know why they call it over-slept?

If anything, I could use more.

If they just made the inhalers look like cigarettes having asthma would be so much cooler.

It's quite sad that our ancestors didn't have any phones to stare at when they were at the traffic light.

I'm never more gripped with fear than when I think it is Casual Friday at work and I'm the only one in a Speedo, top hat, and monocle

I'm shocked that everyone's so shocked about Miley being shocking.

Do guys that wear white pants also wear a pad in their panties in case they start spotting too?

Don't assume because someone is skinny that they are in shape. I'm probably a pack of cigarettes and a sudden run away from a heart attack.

I just autographed a dollar bill and sold it for 90 cents.

Am I the only one who's acting their age around here? And who has finger lasers? Pew pew.

I must be using the wrong soap. This pain is not going anywhere.

Good luck convincing me that Australians don't ride kangaroos to work.

Police keep buying all the drugs and there's never any left for the rest of us, it's like the donut thing all over again.

If you tie me in a chair and repeatedly play the soundtrack from Glee, I'm pretty sure you could extract a false confession.

Sometimes use the oven instead of the microwave to heat food. Let it know that you still need it. Ovens have feelings too, you know.

I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.