Crazy Bashes

The only time I’ve ever chosen the stairs over the elevator was that time when the shop owner chased me for not paying the bills.

Cupcakes are just muffins with daddy issues.

I wonder who I'll be racist against when I'm elderly. I hope it's robots!!

Garbage day & inside a bag I put elephant sized condoms full of a white substance. I wanted to give the neighbors something to talk about.

I'm glad dinosaurs went extinct, otherwise trips to the museum would have been even more boring.

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.

Yes I honor your feelings but you'll forget all about my affair when you hear the song I wrote for you called "Fire Cooch." Hand me my bass.

When you use the phrase "Well played, sir," everyone can tell how scared you are inside.

Sometimes I put my hands on the wall just to see if my spider powers have came through yet.

I like to call the six months I refused to wear a bra my "National Geographic" period.

I always opened cereal boxes upside down to get the prize first, patience is for chumps.

I played "Carrie" with strawberry bodywash this morning in the shower if anybody is concerned about getting boring and lame as they age.

I prefer not to think before I speak because I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids.

If we all go to Walmart at midnight tonight and each buy an ax we'll probably be on the national news tomorrow.

Forgot I let the dog out in the yard & when I went to let him in he was looking down at his watch shaking his head at me...Or I'm just high?

One of these days I’m going to tell my girlfriend how much she truly means to me, and also maybe introduce myself.

How come it takes weeks to discover Whitney’s toxicology report and on CSI they can do it in like 8 minutes?

I call bullshit

I want run-in-slow-motion-toward-each-other-then-swing-me-around-in-a-field-love. And a boat.

Don't thank me because I follow you. Thank me when I make love to one of your tweets.