Crazy Bashes

If I was a stripper my "poll dance" would be asking everyone in the club what their favorite ice cream flavor was and then I'd jitterbug.

The only time I’ve ever chosen the stairs over the elevator was that time when the shop owner chased me for not paying the bills.

Sometimes when I'm stopped at red lights, people think I'm texting on my phone but I'm actually looking at my crotch.

I invented a gun that shoots bagels. Now I need a REALLY good marketing guy.

I think the ghost ancestors of the spider I just killed are attacking me.

I don't understand funny replies. Just say what you're trying to say. I'm on cold medicine and other things.

Every time I release a fart I whisper, "You're free buddy, make me proud." Then I dramatically look away.

If you like someone, you should just take a chance and tell them. But remember, if they don't like you back, you have to kill them.

The lovely young ladies at the hookah lounge have given me a playful nickname:

"Creepy old bald dude that won't stop staring"

It fits.

I'm glad dinosaurs went extinct, otherwise trips to the museum would have been even more boring.

I always opened cereal boxes upside down to get the prize first, patience is for chumps.

I'm so horny I could eat out a horse.

Men aren't impressed with anything I have to offer so from now on I'm just going to go with: I can darn socks.

Imagine a human being with the strength to cancel their Facebook account without making a big melodramatic deal about it.

I can't drive unless I've been up for at least 5 days on meth amphetamine.

I like to call the six months I refused to wear a bra my "National Geographic" period.

Sometimes I put my hands on the wall just to see if my spider powers have came through yet.

My doctor says I should drink 8 glasses of water a day. I wonder how many pizzas is that equivalent to.

It's so quiet in our office you can actually hear the dreams fizzling out.

I hate having to drag a conversation out of someone. Just take your clothes off already. Damn.