Crazy Bashes

I wonder who I'll be racist against when I'm elderly. I hope it's robots!!

Imagine a human being with the strength to cancel their Facebook account without making a big melodramatic deal about it.

Can I still be a princess even though I sold my tiara for beer money?

Yes I honor your feelings but you'll forget all about my affair when you hear the song I wrote for you called "Fire Cooch." Hand me my bass.

Most men should have to wear T-shirts that say "I'M WITH STUPID" with the arrow pointing DOWN.

When I get old, I'm going to be the Walmart greeter who fist bumps you and then mouths the words "I hate you."

I honestly can not remember the last time I washed my legs in the shower.

Traded in the stripper shoes for Vans. Party's not over yet, it's just easier to run from the cops in Vans.

I always opened cereal boxes upside down to get the prize first, patience is for chumps.

Fairly certain my life would have turned out different had I been born with the ability to shoot laser beams from my eyes.

Did you ever think you may have figured out your own problem?

Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, I'll position my arm just right and pretend my mutant power is trickling water from my finger tips.

I just imagined a rat falling out of a tree onto my head so I might not make it outside this week

Garbage day & inside a bag I put elephant sized condoms full of a white substance. I wanted to give the neighbors something to talk about.

If I were a geometry teacher, I'd smoke a bowl before each class and then just talk about the Bermuda Triangle for 55 minutes.

One of these days I’m going to tell my girlfriend how much she truly means to me, and also maybe introduce myself.

If I was a stripper my "poll dance" would be asking everyone in the club what their favorite ice cream flavor was and then I'd jitterbug.

Whichever animal was kicked off Noah's Ark for trying to hump all the other animals is my spirit animal.

I prefer not to think before I speak because I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I'm such an intense alcoholic that I buy my own lemons and pretend life gave them to me just so I can drink more tequila.