Crazy Bashes

I am sooo proud of my friend. According to Facebook, she ate dinner.

"You get the feeling that if cats could talk everything they said would be ironic or arch"

Men aren't impressed with anything I have to offer so from now on I'm just going to go with: I can darn socks.

I sometimes put "quotation marks" around words that shouldn't get them.

Someone's selling a dead bee on ebay for £4 might buy it

The voice in my head is singing "I think we're alone now".

I honestly can not remember the last time I washed my legs in the shower.

I prefer not to think before I speak because I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

I like to call the six months I refused to wear a bra my "National Geographic" period.

I don't understand funny replies. Just say what you're trying to say. I'm on cold medicine and other things.

I find it completely unrealistic that Diego's jaguar doesn't just go right ahead and eat Dora's monkey.

Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

I was spending too much money on alcohol so I quit eating.

Cute the way you lock your doors like I'm not waiting the closet already.

I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids.

The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don't want anymore children living on our street.

There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.

Yes I honor your feelings but you'll forget all about my affair when you hear the song I wrote for you called "Fire Cooch." Hand me my bass.

Sometimes having a body is cool. Other times I am jealous of ghosts.

I wonder who I'll be racist against when I'm elderly. I hope it's robots!!