Crazy Bashes

I wonder if dogs consider us their best friends or just the dumbasses that give'm a place to crash and free food.

The only time I’ve ever chosen the stairs over the elevator was that time when the shop owner chased me for not paying the bills.

There should be "Harry & the kardashians" & Harry goes nuts & kills them & eats them. I'd watch that.

Don't thank me because I follow you. Thank me when I make love to one of your tweets.

The voice in my head is singing "I think we're alone now".

Can someone tell me what color the lollipop stuck to my back is?

I'm the girl in line behind you that touches your arm and tells you that you smell nice.

I was spending too much money on alcohol so I quit eating.

Top 3 unions I'd be willing to be in:

3. Civil.
2. Labor.
1. Gabrielle.

Sometimes I put my hands on the wall just to see if my spider powers have came through yet.

I like to pee on the toilet seat at work to make sure that no one gets too comfortable.

Forgot I let the dog out in the yard & when I went to let him in he was looking down at his watch shaking his head at me...Or I'm just high?

Things damn near impossible to do:

A) Kill Chuck Norris
B) Slam a revolving door
C) When totally intoxicated, say "No thanks, I'm married."

I haven't played hop and land on someone on the bus in a while.

The best revenge always involves red lipstick, a bottle of tequila and a chainsaw.

I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.

I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids.

Hey couples who keep 30 decorative pillows on their beds - can I have one? I'm tired of sleeping on old newspapers

The only time Red Bull gives me wings is when I turn the can into a weed pipe after I've finished drinking it.

I think the ghost ancestors of the spider I just killed are attacking me.