Crazy Bashes

The voice in my head is singing "I think we're alone now".

The best revenge always involves red lipstick, a bottle of tequila and a chainsaw.

I invented a gun that shoots bagels. Now I need a REALLY good marketing guy.

Sometimes having a body is cool. Other times I am jealous of ghosts.

Last nights drunk screaming, "I DON'T WANT A MAN. I WANT HIM!" was probably the pinnacle of my emotional instability.

Forgot I let the dog out in the yard & when I went to let him in he was looking down at his watch shaking his head at me...Or I'm just high?

Sometimes it's hard to believe that we're all adults here.

Things damn near impossible to do:

A) Kill Chuck Norris
B) Slam a revolving door
C) When totally intoxicated, say "No thanks, I'm married."

I'm such an intense alcoholic that I buy my own lemons and pretend life gave them to me just so I can drink more tequila.

I played "Carrie" with strawberry bodywash this morning in the shower if anybody is concerned about getting boring and lame as they age.

I wonder who I'll be racist against when I'm elderly. I hope it's robots!!

I had a cold, so I went to the doctor, and the doctor said "no more monkeys jumping on the bed".

I should definitely get a new doctor.

I can't seem to get along with people who wear watches.

My burrito and I ask that you respect our privacy at this time.

Sometimes I put my hands on the wall just to see if my spider powers have came through yet.

If I were a geometry teacher, I'd smoke a bowl before each class and then just talk about the Bermuda Triangle for 55 minutes.

You would think that saying "I'm so sorry, I thought you were a kid" after you kick a midget would make things better but no.

It's so quiet in our office you can actually hear the dreams fizzling out.

Getting out of bed is hard enough, I have no idea why people expect me to do complex calculus or be nice to them.

Cupcakes are just muffins with daddy issues.