Dirty Bashes

Don't hate yourself. There are plenty of people who'll do the hating for you.

#dirty  

I'm not saying you're stupid but if you played rock-paper-scissors against Edward Scissorhands you would choose paper.

#dirty  

The day you start being more interesting than my phone is the day I'll look up at you.

#dirty  

My wife nearly crashed the car today.

Thankfully I remembered to hide the keys.

#dirty  

Happiness is a state of being.

As is being a whiny arse.

Your call.

#dirty  

Some of you are gross.


And by some of you, I mean most of you.

#dirty  

I suddenly realized I have two kids and now I can't stop crying.

#dirty  

Buy a clown fish. When your kids misbehave, you can threaten to lose Nemo all over again.

#dirty  

If I don’t like you, I’ll always ask when the baby is due.

#dirty  

Oh, you’re not a morning person? Well I’m not a people person and yet here you are.

#dirty  

Not buying the story of this intern who says she slept with JFK. He could have had anyone & have you seen her? She's super old.

#dirty  

When you're feeling sad because no one loves you remember that no one cares about that either.

#dirty  

She said her name was Heather,which was funny, because she looked like a Bimbo.

#dirty  

It’s cute when ugly people act like they have a lot of booty call options.

#dirty  

If you don't want a sarcastic answer . . . then don't ask a stupid question.

#dirty  

Guys will say and do anything to get into a woman's pants.

Women will say or do anything to get into a guy's pocket.

#dirty  

Do you guys plan on celebrating Star Wars Day with your girlfriends? Oops, sorry.

#dirty  

With a face like that, you should really work harder on your personality.

#dirty  

You're just as useful as a RED LIGHT on Grand Theft Auto.

#dirty  

Whenever I see a tennis player being interviewed I’m reminded that they don’t have to be smart they just have to hit a ball.

#dirty