Dirty Bashes

Me: Ur doing it again.
Him: Doing WHAT again?
Me: That thing.
Him: What thing?
Me: That thing u do that I HATE.
Him: WHAT?!
Me: Breathing.

Children are a gift, but seriously, I'd rather just have a gift card to Target. Thanks.

I used to be like you, then I got a personality.

Whenever I kidnap deaf people and need to keep them quiet I just tape a pair of oven mitts to their hands.

Her: "Ask anyone, I'm super clumsy." Him: "I did. They said they don't care enough about you to have an opinion."

Oh, you’re not a morning person? Well I’m not a people person and yet here you are.

If you don't want a sarcastic answer . . . then don't ask a stupid question.

Made it through another day without dying? Congratulations! Here's some bills and another long, grueling work week.

Of course there’s a meaning for all this, just wait and die.

If I don’t like you, I’ll always ask when the baby is due.

Yes, it's the right size, but there's not a chance in hell I'll ever wear it.

When you're feeling sad because no one loves you remember that no one cares about that either.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

My wife just dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?" & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.

Late night is when I need a gf... To take the dogs out for me

Stuck On You is the best movie I've ever seen that was written and directed by stoned chimps.

She said her name was Heather,which was funny, because she looked like a Bimbo.

If you have a dream about a dream about a dream and Leonardo DiCaprio is in all of them, are you gay?

For as much multiplying goes on in a trailer park, you'd think those crackers would be better at math.

If i aint say it directly to you then it dont apply. Dont twist my words to make yourself feel special