Dirty Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #dirty

I don't mind bringing up children. It's the constant need to keep them clothed, fed and happy that annoys me.

My mom's going through a phase where she cries everytime she see's that I'm still living with her.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

i think maybe you bought your ego in a Walmart sale. it's big and of shitty quality.

My wife just dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?" & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.

"It is what it is" is the nicest way I know how to say I don't give a shit & I hope you get run over by a motorcycle gang.

Your Ex is talking shit about you calling you names & saying how you'll never find someone who loves you more, oh & now I see why you left.

Russell Brand's chest hair just signed a 3-year contract to play the carpet in the upcoming 'Aladdin' musical.

Not buying the story of this intern who says she slept with JFK. He could have had anyone & have you seen her? She's super old.

Sorry dude but the only way those girls are going to talk to you is if they ask you to take their picture.

To my delightful kids whom I so missed for the past days:

Thank you for awakening in a shitty mood and making me miss my quiet hotel rooms

You're a mystery which no one wants to solve.

Stuck On You is the best movie I've ever seen that was written and directed by stoned chimps.

If you don't want a sarcastic answer . . . then don't ask a stupid question.

The day you start being more interesting than my phone is the day I'll look up at you.

When ever I don't shave my legs for more than 2 days, I start talking with a German accent.

When the photo caption reads:

"I hope it's big enough."

It most certainly isn't.

Numbers don't lie. That's why women aren't good at math.

People that have dream catchers above their bed only dream that someday, someone, anywhere will love them.

...but alas, no one will.

If you want to make a long story short, don't be a woman.