Dirty Bashes

Great conversation starter to use on family members: "What's wrong with you?"

If I paid as much attention to real people as I did you guys, I wouldn't need you guys anymore.

My mom's going through a phase where she cries everytime she see's that I'm still living with her.

World wars happened so that granddads' stories become a bit less boring than they already are.

How do you get someone to stop trying to remind you that they exist?

Do you guys plan on celebrating Star Wars Day with your girlfriends? Oops, sorry.

I don't mind bringing up children. It's the constant need to keep them clothed, fed and happy that annoys me.

As a joke, ask someone with a neck tattoo how their career is going.

My kids always seem disappointed when I return home from a trip to the store for cigarettes.

Just wrote "He's probably dead" on a Lost Cat poster.

Stuck On You is the best movie I've ever seen that was written and directed by stoned chimps.

Being home on vacation with my wife and kids is just like no vacation I ever wanted.

My wife nearly crashed the car today.

Thankfully I remembered to hide the keys.

Even his invisible friends wouldn't play with him.

I hold my breath every time she speaks, she has really bad breath.

To my delightful kids whom I so missed for the past days:

Thank you for awakening in a shitty mood and making me miss my quiet hotel rooms

Hearing temperatures in fahrenheit just sounds stupid and excessive. And now I get why Americans use it.

Shut up, mom. I’m trying to make people feel small on the Internet by saying hurtful things under the guise of “telling it like it is”.

If someone smells like a sewer it's legal to dump a pot of coffee on them.

My wife just dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?" & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.