Dirty Bashes

When ever I don't shave my legs for more than 2 days, I start talking with a German accent.

If i aint say it directly to you then it dont apply. Dont twist my words to make yourself feel special

Her: "Ask anyone, I'm super clumsy." Him: "I did. They said they don't care enough about you to have an opinion."

99% sure Arcade Fire just walked into my coffee shop. Wait nope just a couple of dirty pigeons.

World wars happened so that granddads' stories become a bit less boring than they already are.

People that have dream catchers above their bed only dream that someday, someone, anywhere will love them.

...but alas, no one will.

Oh, you’re not a morning person? Well I’m not a people person and yet here you are.

Everyone always likes someone and it's probably not you.

Whenever I kidnap deaf people and need to keep them quiet I just tape a pair of oven mitts to their hands.

Feeling good about yourself? Ask a kid to draw a picture of you.

If I don’t like you, I’ll always ask when the baby is due.

I used to be like you, then I got a personality.

i think maybe you bought your ego in a Walmart sale. it's big and of shitty quality.

The day you start being more interesting than my phone is the day I'll look up at you.

She said her name was Heather,which was funny, because she looked like a Bimbo.

Me: Ur doing it again.
Him: Doing WHAT again?
Me: That thing.
Him: What thing?
Me: That thing u do that I HATE.
Him: WHAT?!
Me: Breathing.

Shut up, mom. I’m trying to make people feel small on the Internet by saying hurtful things under the guise of “telling it like it is”.

How come in a mirror everyone looks strange but I look normal yet in a photo everyone looks normal but I look strange?

Hey homeless person, I lied to you. I did have change. You just can't catch a break.

I hold my breath every time she speaks, she has really bad breath.