Mad Bashes

You call it raiding the boss's liquor cabinet,
I call it taking your work home with you.

#mad  

I don't cry enough to own cats.

#mad  

Hey.... Let's talk shitty things about illiterate people since they can't read this anyway.

#mad  

Looking at selfies on the internet is a great way to get bathroom decorating ideas.

#mad  

All things being equal you are very level-headed for a person with lop-sided views.

#mad  

If you are an adult male over the age of 30 with an earring or earrings just know you are in my prayers.

#mad  

I'd push more people down stairs if there wasn't such a high chance of them surviving.

#mad  

If you wish me Happy Valentines this year I will wish you Happy Thursday and then stab you repeatedly. Don't say I didn't warn you.

#mad  

Some have hearts of gold, others have gold but no hearts.

#mad  

I love you so much, I'll forget about you as soon as I don't hear from you for 24 hours.

#mad  

The closest I've come to "popping bottles at the club" is when I smashed a beer over my brothers head at his wedding.

#mad  

Within 100 years after you die, literally no one will ever know you existed. Your life will have meant nothing, to anyone. And you’re fat.

#mad  

The best way to respond when a girl asks you if she’s fat, is to shoot her.

#mad  

If someone tells me I'm fat again I'll eat them.

#mad  

Describe my ex in a movie title is easy "Deadman Walking"

#mad  

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person while they're eating is tell them how many calories they're consuming.

#mad  

I banged a girl with such bad acne last week. When I took the paper bag off her head it looked like meatballs were sitting in it for days.

#mad  

Since he's lived to be 283 years old, it's probably a good time for Michelin to figure out how to make tires out of Keith Richards' skin.

#mad  

This black girl behind me is too quiet. Can someone put a movie on to get her talking?

#mad  

Please don't ask me out if you're unattractive, it's damaging to my self esteem.

#mad