Mad Bashes

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

#mad  

If you go to a beach resort & get a couple's massage whiling holding hands w/your partner I hope u get eaten by a shark later that day.

#mad  

The closest I've come to "popping bottles at the club" is when I smashed a beer over my brothers head at his wedding.

#mad  

My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.

#mad  

I don't cry enough to own cats.

#mad  

It's not my fault this guy's head keeps getting hit by this car door. It's not.

#mad  

Has your moving avatar made your parents fall in love again yet?

#mad  

Rascal Flatts is a cute name for a raccoon who just got run over by a truck.

#mad  

It doesn't matter if you have Double D's - if you're fat, they're gross.

#mad  

Looking at selfies on the internet is a great way to get bathroom decorating ideas.

#mad  

In retrospect, when I woke my wife up to tell her about the fantastic breakfast I made I probably should've made something for her too.

#mad  

Buy a clown fish. When your kids misbehave, you can threaten to lose Nemo all over again.

#mad  

Your children should always be your inspiration, even if it is just to drink more.

#mad  

You call it raiding the boss's liquor cabinet,
I call it taking your work home with you.

#mad  

I am always ten steps ahead of you, because you are embarrassing to be around in public.

#mad  

For fun.
When colleagues are kind enough to give me a lift home, I like to leave underwear in their cars for their wives to find.

#mad  

I'd probably have a mini party in my head if you died.

#mad  

Please don't ask me out if you're unattractive, it's damaging to my self esteem.

#mad  

Describe my ex in a movie title is easy "Deadman Walking"

#mad  

A woman at my office is wearing a sweater with a tree that lights up and has decorations and gifts hanging off it. Now it has blood on it.

#mad