Mad Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #mad

F is for friends who don’t talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

All things being equal you are very level-headed for a person with lop-sided views.

I love you so much, I'll forget about you as soon as I don't hear from you for 24 hours.

Since he's lived to be 283 years old, it's probably a good time for Michelin to figure out how to make tires out of Keith Richards' skin.

Whenever I get caught throwing lit matches at someone's feet I just say, "Sorry, I thought you were a gypsy."

My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.

In retrospect, when I woke my wife up to tell her about the fantastic breakfast I made I probably should've made something for her too.

I don't cry enough to own cats.

Chick at the club look like a Mexican Chris Farley. I'm going in for the kill.

Having kids really gets in the way of my lying in bed all day staring at the wall and wishing for death. Damn you, womb.

It's not my fault this guy's head keeps getting hit by this car door. It's not.

Why the hell would anyone live in Gotham? The crime rate is like if Haiti moved to Detroit.

Your children should always be your inspiration, even if it is just to drink more.

What's a nice way of saying you're a worthless sack of shit that looks like a burnt crash dummy in a fat suit?

Describe my ex in a movie title is easy "Deadman Walking"

I'm 5 pushups away from breaking a steel chair over my step-father's head.

Looking at selfies on the internet is a great way to get bathroom decorating ideas.

Hey.... Let's talk shitty things about illiterate people since they can't read this anyway.

I'd push more people down stairs if there wasn't such a high chance of them surviving.

They say you are what you eat so you should probably eat a skinny person.