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Mad Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #mad


I am always ten steps ahead of you, because you are embarrassing to be around in public.


#mad  


Whenever I get caught throwing lit matches at someone's feet I just say, "Sorry, I thought you were a gypsy."


#mad  


I drive recklessly because you're always just one horrific car accident away from ending all this bullshit. I dont want to miss that chance.


#mad  


If you are an adult male over the age of 30 with an earring or earrings just know you are in my prayers.


#mad  


A woman at my office is wearing a sweater with a tree that lights up and has decorations and gifts hanging off it. Now it has blood on it.


#mad  


Describe my ex in a movie title is easy "Deadman Walking"


#mad  


The closest I've come to "popping bottles at the club" is when I smashed a beer over my brothers head at his wedding.


#mad  


Having kids really gets in the way of my lying in bed all day staring at the wall and wishing for death. Damn you, womb.


#mad  


It's not my fault this guy's head keeps getting hit by this car door. It's not.


#mad  


ME: You're like a drug to me.
FRIEND: You mean I'm addictive?
ME: Please! I mean I can only take you in small doses.


#mad  


Hey.... Let's talk shitty things about illiterate people since they can't read this anyway.


#mad  


Chick at the club look like a Mexican Chris Farley. I'm going in for the kill.


#mad  


Within 100 years after you die, literally no one will ever know you existed. Your life will have meant nothing, to anyone. And you’re fat.


#mad  


If you go to a beach resort & get a couple's massage whiling holding hands w/your partner I hope u get eaten by a shark later that day.


#mad  


I don't cry enough to own cats.


#mad  


Standing in an elevator, making explosion noises when someone presses a button.


#mad  


Since when is not funny to respond to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with the answer “Your death”?


#mad  


My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.


#mad  


Rascal Flatts is a cute name for a raccoon who just got run over by a truck.


#mad  


Probably the worst thing you can do to a person while they're eating is tell them how many calories they're consuming.


#mad  



Roll the dice for #mad
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