Mad Bashes

Some have hearts of gold, others have gold but no hearts.

#mad  

A woman at my office is wearing a sweater with a tree that lights up and has decorations and gifts hanging off it. Now it has blood on it.

#mad  

You call it raiding the boss's liquor cabinet,
I call it taking your work home with you.

#mad  

Within 100 years after you die, literally no one will ever know you existed. Your life will have meant nothing, to anyone. And you’re fat.

#mad  

Why the hell would anyone live in Gotham? The crime rate is like if Haiti moved to Detroit.

#mad  

I drive recklessly because you're always just one horrific car accident away from ending all this bullshit. I dont want to miss that chance.

#mad  

My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.

#mad  

Buy a clown fish. When your kids misbehave, you can threaten to lose Nemo all over again.

#mad  

Rascal Flatts is a cute name for a raccoon who just got run over by a truck.

#mad  

If you have to ask him if you look fat in what you're wearing, you probably do.

#mad  

What's a nice way of saying you're a worthless sack of shit that looks like a burnt crash dummy in a fat suit?

#mad  

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person while they're eating is tell them how many calories they're consuming.

#mad  

F is for friends who don’t talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

#mad  

I am always ten steps ahead of you, because you are embarrassing to be around in public.

#mad  

The closest I've come to "popping bottles at the club" is when I smashed a beer over my brothers head at his wedding.

#mad  

Since he's lived to be 283 years old, it's probably a good time for Michelin to figure out how to make tires out of Keith Richards' skin.

#mad  

Hey.... Let's talk shitty things about illiterate people since they can't read this anyway.

#mad  

Describe my ex in a movie title is easy "Deadman Walking"

#mad  

If you go to a beach resort & get a couple's massage whiling holding hands w/your partner I hope u get eaten by a shark later that day.

#mad  

The best way to respond when a girl asks you if she’s fat, is to shoot her.

#mad