Mad Bashes

What's a nice way of saying you're a worthless sack of shit that looks like a burnt crash dummy in a fat suit?

#mad  

If someone tells me I'm fat again I'll eat them.

#mad  

If you wish me Happy Valentines this year I will wish you Happy Thursday and then stab you repeatedly. Don't say I didn't warn you.

#mad  

Having kids really gets in the way of my lying in bed all day staring at the wall and wishing for death. Damn you, womb.

#mad  

Why ugly people take selfies is one of the world's biggest mysteries.

#mad  

Within 100 years after you die, literally no one will ever know you existed. Your life will have meant nothing, to anyone. And you’re fat.

#mad  

I'm the Neighbor the news interviews who says the family that was murdered deserved it bc they wore holiday turtlenecks.

#mad  

For fun.
When colleagues are kind enough to give me a lift home, I like to leave underwear in their cars for their wives to find.

#mad  

F is for friends who don’t talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

#mad  

I don't cry enough to own cats.

#mad  

This black girl behind me is too quiet. Can someone put a movie on to get her talking?

#mad  

Has your moving avatar made your parents fall in love again yet?

#mad  

You call it raiding the boss's liquor cabinet,
I call it taking your work home with you.

#mad  

I love you so much, I'll forget about you as soon as I don't hear from you for 24 hours.

#mad  

Chick at the club look like a Mexican Chris Farley. I'm going in for the kill.

#mad  

Hey.... Let's talk shitty things about illiterate people since they can't read this anyway.

#mad  

My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.

#mad  

I drive recklessly because you're always just one horrific car accident away from ending all this bullshit. I dont want to miss that chance.

#mad  

In retrospect, when I woke my wife up to tell her about the fantastic breakfast I made I probably should've made something for her too.

#mad  

It's not my fault this guy's head keeps getting hit by this car door. It's not.

#mad