Misplan Bashes

I don't always make bad decisions, but when I do it's every day.

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If life were meant to be fun, there would be tiny little cat-sized bears everywhere!

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When I hear commercials say "win a trip for you and six friends" I start counting to see if I have six friends.

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My son seems to need to download a lot of pornography for his homework. Maths sure has changed since I was in school.

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OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9, ....

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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I'm supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

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Sorry about that. I was driving through the deep south. Had to choose between driving and tweeting and driving and eating biscuits.

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The best part about being in a fight club? The bake sales.

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I think I'm allergic to weed, whenever have it I can't stop coughing & my eyes go really red. It also make me talk like.

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I feel so betrayed when The Neverending Story ends.

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I always check my back seat for serial killers before I get it but never make sure my sunroof is closed when I get out in case it rains.

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When my husband is away. I dress his pillow up with my underwear.
Because I really miss him.

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Ladies, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

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I'm always surprised when I have trouble getting a lift home at the end of a party I wasn't invited to.

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My friend, who's watching a game at my house to get away from his wife and kids, is telling me I should get married.

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Qualities I look for in a job:

1. Washroom proximity
2. Male to Female percentage
3. Internet rules
4. Desk size (for napping)

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I'd win all of my rap battles if they involved less rapping and more sitting on the floor, eating pizza.

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