Morbid Bashes

"...then Steve Jobs ate a peanut, then he farted and made a poop then he farted again" - My 4 year old pretending to read the Steve Jobs Bio

"I know how you feel, I dropped my iPod in a pool once" is apparently not something you say to your neighbor whose son just drown.

Freedom is overrated. Just ask a dead person.

I wanted to get my girlfriend a last minute Christmas gift but for some stupid reason the abortion clinic was closed.

Some of you fine folk would look mighty tasty slathered in BBQ sauce & the shiniest of red apples crammed between your pretty little lips.

Thought I lost my phone earlier today. I cried harder than I did the day my grandfather died.

I just choke slammed my aunts cat for not getting me the iPad I told him to get me for Christmas.

My wife: "Eat your food, think of the kids in Africa" My son: "They have to eat this shit too?" Guess I picked the wrong time to high 5 him.

It takes me about 10 stones to kill 2 birds.

Any dog you see in a movie from like 1995 or earlier is dead now. Merry Christmas.

My mom was so hairy when I was born I had to be treated for third degree rug burns.

God doesn't give you AIDS, Ann Coulter does.

My obituary: She was dead the whole time.

I'm pretty sure the people who would buy pajama jeans are the same people nobody would ever want to see wearing them.

They all laughed when I said I was going deaf. But who's laughing now?

The only thing me and my step mom have in common is that we both like her new tit job.

I'm an only child so I created an imaginary friend when I was a kid. "Dad" was always there for me.

Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. The coroner needs you to identify your dad.