Morbid Bashes

God doesn't give you AIDS, Ann Coulter does.

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They all laughed when I said I was going deaf. But who's laughing now?

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I wanted to get my girlfriend a last minute Christmas gift but for some stupid reason the abortion clinic was closed.

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I'm pretty sure the people who would buy pajama jeans are the same people nobody would ever want to see wearing them.

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My wife: "Eat your food, think of the kids in Africa" My son: "They have to eat this shit too?" Guess I picked the wrong time to high 5 him.

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Thought I lost my phone earlier today. I cried harder than I did the day my grandfather died.

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I'm an only child so I created an imaginary friend when I was a kid. "Dad" was always there for me.

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I just choke slammed my aunts cat for not getting me the iPad I told him to get me for Christmas.

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My mom was so hairy when I was born I had to be treated for third degree rug burns.

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"I know how you feel, I dropped my iPod in a pool once" is apparently not something you say to your neighbor whose son just drown.

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"...then Steve Jobs ate a peanut, then he farted and made a poop then he farted again" - My 4 year old pretending to read the Steve Jobs Bio

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Freedom is overrated. Just ask a dead person.

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It takes me about 10 stones to kill 2 birds.

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Any dog you see in a movie from like 1995 or earlier is dead now. Merry Christmas.

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My obituary: She was dead the whole time.

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The only thing me and my step mom have in common is that we both like her new tit job.

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Some of you fine folk would look mighty tasty slathered in BBQ sauce & the shiniest of red apples crammed between your pretty little lips.

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Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. The coroner needs you to identify your dad.

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