Sex Bashes

We were the sperm who got to the egg first. It was our first victorious moment and I'm proud to be here with everyone else who made it too!

Come all ye faithful. Does that mean if you aren't faithful, you can't come?

I have a date tonight. That means, sometime today I'll get a huge pimple.

How well does a safe word work if he's already inside of you?

I've been here so long that I now think that every compliment from a man means, "I want to put my boner in you."

I never use Glory Holes anymore since the incident at the pencil sharpener shop.

I think I'm getting sick. What's that stuff you rub on your chest to relieve congestion? Boobs? Yes, boobs. Someone rub their boobs on me.

I’d love to blow you.............kisses from across the room.

The cable guy is coming to install my box today and I can't find my thigh highs anywhere.

Always take your first dates out to eat ribs, if they can’t get their fingers dirty they’ll never put them where you want them.

Guys, be nice to your ladies.

They let you stick things in them for Pete's sake.

I use my antique quill pen dipped in shit for dirty diary entries.

I can think of only one good reason to wear panties and that is for someone to tear them off.

I love playing hide the salami! :)

Except when I forget where I hid it and it starts to smell rotten.

I might be doing it wrong :(

If I pass out while inside you, you did a GREAT job!

I feel like this guy at the bar wearing the denim vest is just throwing his 36 years of virginity and carefree lifestyle in my face.

It still pisses me off that I didn't learn that the nerdy girls were the kinky ones in bed until after high school.

After a stripper collects her tips from all the tables she goes in the back and licks the money clean.

The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.

Whether lying under a Christmas tree or lying under a man you get the same results. You get pricked and balls hang in your face.