Witty Bashes

If people took as long to choose a spouse as old people take to choose a banana there would probably be a lot fewer divorces.

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Life is like a box of chocolates it doesn't last as long for fat people.

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Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

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Q: How many nerds does it take to ruin a joke?

A: So. Unless I'm missing something here, I think you meant "geeks." And, "riddle." Proceed.

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honestly wish I knew someone named Bort

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I've been greeting everyone I meet with a kiss on the neck. So far, results are most unfavorable.

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You can keep "all that" and just give me the bag of chips.

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Trying to stab someone with a butter knife is pointless.

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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

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I like drunk text’s because when nothing makes sense, I know they thought of me.

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I believe in marriage as much as I believe in religion... both are great things, for other people.

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There should be a panic button for people who have accidentally pressed the panic button.

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And one day, they ran out of metaphors and were forced to say exactly what they meant.

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What does I mean if you can't feel half of your face? Don't worry...it's the ugly half.

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Remember when technology sucked and we could spend a Friday night making prank calls...

I miss that.

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Say what you will about human beings, but we did invent ice cream.

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I'm smart enough to know when to play dumb.

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Obama's teleprompter just says, "You're the man. Wing it."

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Pizza, however, remains president of my belly.

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the local news is talking about wigs for babies so people can tell they are girls. here's an idea: who cares

#witty