Witty Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #witty

It's amazing how deep your fingers can go in your nose when alone in the car

Q: How many nerds does it take to ruin a joke?

A: So. Unless I'm missing something here, I think you meant "geeks." And, "riddle." Proceed.

It's all fun and mind games until someone ends up in the mental institution.

I've been in Hawaii for 3 days now and I've yet to get lei'd.

I call bullshit.

Man does not live by bread alone, unless he orders the Pizza Hut $10 dinner box.

Alcohol causes memory loss. Thank. God.

Life is like a box of chocolates it doesn't last as long for fat people.

Trying to stab someone with a butter knife is pointless.

"Don't worry. Everything will be fine." - coffee

The most awkward public fart is at the gym wearing headphones. You know you farted, but you have no idea how loud it was, or who heard it.

Would it be gay to ride a centaur? The horse part would be like "sure jump on!" but the man part would be like "your balls are on me, homo!"

February 29: Now 44 years old... If I could get back all the money I spent on porn and commemorative plates - I would buy all of you a beer!

I told my girlfriend I'd like to try new things in bed. So she showed me how to change the sheets.

Watching my cat lick the bottom of her foot with such ease really makes me want to learn yoga.

My mom thinks my friends are bad influences. But honestly, I'm usually the one coming up with the ideas.

There should be a panic button for people who have accidentally pressed the panic button.

If people took as long to choose a spouse as old people take to choose a banana there would probably be a lot fewer divorces.

If I had a time machine, I’d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

I have nothing against shooting animals. I just think it would be really cool if they could shoot back.

Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.