Witty Bashes

You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.

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Pizza, however, remains president of my belly.

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Just saw a black guy with a tattoo that read:

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And one day, they ran out of metaphors and were forced to say exactly what they meant.

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A poem about me:

I hate mornings.
I wish I was drunk.

The End.

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I'm smart enough to know when to play dumb.

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The most awkward public fart is at the gym wearing headphones. You know you farted, but you have no idea how loud it was, or who heard it.

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I thought I wanted love, but this piece of cheese seems cool too.

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After 3 days, Jesus probably resurrected with some wicked tomb hair.

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There should be a panic button for people who have accidentally pressed the panic button.

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It's amazing how deep your fingers can go in your nose when alone in the car

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"I wish you were my sister so I could sometimes accidentally see you naked," is not a pick-up line that has worked for me yet.

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Everything and everyone becomes irrelevant when the food is ready.

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Life is like a box of chocolates it doesn't last as long for fat people.

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I have nothing against shooting animals. I just think it would be really cool if they could shoot back.

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My mom thinks my friends are bad influences. But honestly, I'm usually the one coming up with the ideas.

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I always go to Halloween parties as a ghost, so don’t expect to see me there.

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honestly wish I knew someone named Bort

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If you have the word "naughty" tattooed on you, it probably burns when you pee.

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I've been greeting everyone I meet with a kiss on the neck. So far, results are most unfavorable.

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