Witty Bashes

the local news is talking about wigs for babies so people can tell they are girls. here's an idea: who cares

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The most awkward public fart is at the gym wearing headphones. You know you farted, but you have no idea how loud it was, or who heard it.

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honestly wish I knew someone named Bort

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A poem about me:

I hate mornings.
I wish I was drunk.

The End.

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And one day, they ran out of metaphors and were forced to say exactly what they meant.

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I wish Jack Daniel's made house calls.

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Why don't they make peanut butter scented body wash? Oh yeah, cuz I'd be licking myself all day. Nevermind.

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I'm smart enough to know when to play dumb.

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If people took as long to choose a spouse as old people take to choose a banana there would probably be a lot fewer divorces.

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I've got so many things to put off today.

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Life is like a box of chocolates it doesn't last as long for fat people.

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People who smile too much scare me. And those women with really elaborate nail varnish designs.

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Closing your left and right eye to see how an object changes places when you're extremely bored.

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Sometimes saying: "I wish the best for you” is just a nice way of saying…now you’re someone else’s problem.

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You know you're really drunk when all you can talk about is how you're really drunk.

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"I wish you were my sister so I could sometimes accidentally see you naked," is not a pick-up line that has worked for me yet.

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It's weird how someone saw a sponge in the ocean and was like, "I HAVE to wash my dishes with that."

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There should be a panic button for people who have accidentally pressed the panic button.

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Say what you will about human beings, but we did invent ice cream.

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When Jesus comes back, do you think he'll be wearing Crocs?

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