Wtf Bashes

Reality is distorting my drugs.

I was toilet trained at 18 months but just managed to tuck my raincoat into my underpants.

Totally just dropped my phone on my kid's head.

Fiew. Close call.

Sometimes my wife just doesn’t treat me like the princess I am.

First day of Karate class & a kid kicked me in the shin... No problem tho, I smashed a chair on him; 2 weeks later on his way to buy candy.

What's the best thing about dating a fat chick?

You can leave the toilet seat up and they don't notice.

"From the moment I laid eggs in you, I knew you were the one." -Romantic spider

As far as I'm concerned, my Gynecologist should be paying me.

Wrong holes happen, it’s never an accident…but they happen.

One advantage of being addicted to heroin is that you don’t have to take your Christmas tree down till August.

My professor is so old I might actually be interested in him.

Some days i'm sober, some years i'm not.

My favorite part about my childhood was taking fun 8 hour family road trips to the prison my dad was staying in.

You used to like it when I pooped with the door open. What happened to us?

No, baby. I don't think that will help with my sore throat. Put it away.

This coffee tastes like broken dreams and lowered expectations.

This urban camouflage outfit is not preventing people from seeing me and saying things like "stop blocking the sidewalk" and "what the hell"

I always laugh when dudes named Ted are eaten by bears.

Before you go to bed I'd like you to imagine Jared Leto standing at his open window, shrieking dolphin noises into the night.

I use my inside voice when I'm beating someone with a crowbar outside.