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Wtf Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #wtf


So relieved to discover he wasn't taking pictures of me with his phone while I was blowing him. He was just playing Words With Friends.


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Is it duct tape or duck tape? Either way the hooker's in the basement


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I could handle being inside a cage, but not a Nicolas Cage.


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I go to Subway when I'm bored and order 10 footlongs. I yell out my toppings like a drill sergeant & spit on the glass bc they can't do shit


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Elephants ears are so big they can hear every mean thing you say about them & they never forget so only say good stuff & call them pretty.


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Gonna spend tomorrow asking people down at the dog park "You gonna eat that" and point at dog poops.


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I'm a Jedi. I made someone choke to death from across the bar. (I paid a homeless guy that told me he'd do anything for a dollar.)


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I'm never as naked as I want to be.


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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then you've crushed their soul & they're dependent on you & you've won the game of love.


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I miss being married and cheating on my wife every night with my hand.


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Serial killers prefer it if you use sunscreen, means their human-skin lamp shades look much nicer and spot free.


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People think I snore like a chainsaw but what they don't know is that's just me standing over them as they sleep with a running chainsaw.


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There was a bat in my car this morning, yes a bat. On a side note, I scream loud enough make a bat explode.


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Trying to decide where to draw in my next beauty mark. It's pretty much between my labias Majora and Minora at this point.


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"Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside."
"Maybe I should eat you so I can be dumb on the inside."


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Just kicked my neighbor’s car, now I have to figure out how to get a smart car out of a tree.


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I ran into an ex of mine today. The cops call it "Vehicular Homicide" but I call it "best road trip ever."


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WebMD says it's not possible to pass your liver through your rectum but they didn't see the shit I just took.


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I can't remember if I have short-term or long-term memory loss.


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You can fart on babies because they have no idea what's going on.


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