Wtf Bashes

I'm having one of those kinds of mornings where no matter what question you ask your husband answers with "Put it in your mouth."

The worst thing about mixing flu meds & booze is I forget how many to take & now the packet's empty & I'm going to find a bobcat to steal.

Fun fact! The original Lassie died in Topeka, Kansas of a heroin overdose.

Weed is a gateway drug to eating part of a cheeseburger out of your garbage can at 2:00am.

We all cry, but I bet my tears taste prettier than an ugly girl's tears.

My life plan is to get drunk enough that I choke on my own vomit and die.

I'm seriously scared for the next generation... http://t.co/HZRE17XQ

I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

I just Shazam'd my son crying and it came up as Adele duetting with Taylor Swift.

If we crossbreed a chicken with a pig we could pretty much let all the other animals go free, right?

I can't text while I drive, but I didn't hear anything about not being able to tase my girlfriend's neck as she's giving me road-head.

Is it duct tape or duck tape? Either way the hooker's in the basement

This condom is too small, but if poke holes in it it stretches and fits perfectly! How clever am I?

It's a lot harder to hide that you're pooping on Skype than on the phone.

No, I do not want to see your dried up umbilical cord collection.

You can die from parenting right?

If you yelled out "Two points for Slytherin!" after raping me in a bathroom, I'd probably be 35% less upset with you.

Sometimes I roofie my wife so she'll pass out on the couch and I can have the whole bed to myself.

Quit tickling me, Cthulhu! Quit tickling me.. oh, you're not Cthulhu. You're my dead grandpa, back from the grave & you have a time machine

I don't see why everybody wants a white iPhone. Everyone knows the black one runs faster.