Wtf Bashes

My boss is still alive because I'm not the one who puts a cup of coffee on his desk every morning.

It's never too early to shove squirrels in exhaust pipes.

It's cool how a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Pterodactyl got drunk one night, banged each others tiny little brains out and made the baby Dragon.

Dating tip: Impress her with your bravery by telling her she looks fat today.

At 6am my favorite thing to do is figure out if a family size Kleenex box will fit my feet b/c I want to bet my net-worth on the superbowl.

Almost touched an old person tonight. Luckily I jerked my arm away before they could drain me of my youth and vigor.

The best way to make new friends is hugging strangers from behind and whispering ''this feels right.''

We want to kiss the inside of your eyelids, so hold still while we rip them off.

I'm a Jedi. I made someone choke to death from across the bar. (I paid a homeless guy that told me he'd do anything for a dollar.)

Just saw two 10 year old boys sharing a cigarette. I was really shocked and upset so I gave them money to buy a pack.

If I’m going down, you’re going down with me! - 69

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!" Me: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

I was toilet trained at 18 months but just managed to tuck my raincoat into my underpants.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

I can't find my car and I'm a bit freaked out.I normally wouldn't worry too much but I think I left the kid in it.

I’m not the only that finds sitting in a chair exhausting, right?

You'd think my mate would get my humor by now & not fall for the 'come over I've got hot chicks.' Now, he's eating KFC with a condom on.

Quick: how do you un-shake a baby?

First day of Karate class & a kid kicked me in the shin... No problem tho, I smashed a chair on him; 2 weeks later on his way to buy candy.