Wtf Bashes

The most action I've ever got was when I let my blind guy friend try to read my t-shirt.

So I buried a couple people alive, and ended up getting some dirt in my eyes. Big deal.

I don't remember you being "perfect" either.

Some guys hate it when women fart, but personally, I like a little skunk in the trunk.

Every woman has tried to lick her own nipples.

It just makes good sense to try.

You can die from parenting right?

The worst thing about mixing flu meds & booze is I forget how many to take & now the packet's empty & I'm going to find a bobcat to steal.

Was feeling pretty good about myself until I realized I forgot to take out my retainer at the bar b/c I've been on a 3 day drinking binge.

Hey warden, you know how the best things in life are free? Well, I accidentally let 14 prisoners be the best things in life

And "Breaking Bad" is the most overrated TV series in the history of television. Even though I want to bang the kid with cerebral palsy.

How long does butt hair have to be before it counts as a tail?

I’m not the only that finds sitting in a chair exhausting, right?

I ran into an ex of mine today. The cops call it "Vehicular Homicide" but I call it "best road trip ever."

This coffee tastes like broken dreams and lowered expectations.

I just watched a video of a midget dressed as a smurf jumping up and down on a bed screaming her head off. I found my new fetish video.

Totally just dropped my phone on my kid's head.

Fiew. Close call.

The first thing my three year old does at any playground is find himself a nice cougar.

Some things are easier to say when you're both naked. Like "I love you" and "your dad was right, his is bigger".

I've woken up looking like the imaginary friend of a particularly disturbed child.

You used to like it when I pooped with the door open. What happened to us?

No, baby. I don't think that will help with my sore throat. Put it away.