Wtf Bashes

Thinking about calling 911 just to feel a fireman's embrace.

Facebook lets you request someone as a "Close Friend," an "Acquaintance," but not "Fingered Once At a Party"?

I saw a baby stuck in a tree this morning, but I was busy eating Cheez-Its. Sorry, baby, maybe next time. Hang in there.

An umbrella, an anus and curiosity is a recipe for disaster.

Someone tell my mom wizards don't have bedtimes.

If science could come up with a way for a human to live inside a large cat, and keep both subjects alive, we could live inside large cats.

Sometimes I get too drunk to crack a fat. Haha America, you don't know what I'm talking about.

As far as I'm concerned, my Gynecologist should be paying me.

Dance like no one knows you pissed in the bathroom sink and have been drinking for over 40 hours in your Alf pajamas.

I'm not picky. I just want a guy who is hotter than my ex-husband's girlfriend.

The best way to make new friends is hugging strangers from behind and whispering ''this feels right.''

Trying to decide where to draw in my next beauty mark. It's pretty much between my labias Majora and Minora at this point.

When I get rich I'm gonna ride around in a pink limo doing pantsless handstands through the sunroof and queefing glitter.

That awkward moment when a girl goes in for a kiss but you mistakenly go for a fist bump.

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why.

I'm practicing for my big date tomorrow.(Sucking on Ziplock bags full of Jello & burning my cash.)

Now that I think about it, I'm 99% certain I ate canned dog food last night.

I just farted 6 times behind these people: http://t.co/n7gDiiah

OMG you guys, Fran Drescher and I are having so much fun!!! http://t.co/bxiYGM7D

I miss being married and cheating on my wife every night with my hand.