Wtf Bashes

I'm sure all the gum I've swallowed has turned into some kind of gardening gnome or something.

'Hugs, not drugs', I whisper as I flush grandma's diabetes medicine down the toilet.

I'm not picky. I just want a guy who is hotter than my ex-husband's girlfriend.

No, I do not want to see your dried up umbilical cord collection.

Wrong holes happen, it’s never an accident…but they happen.

"Hey Ash, is your mom still single? Here's a Pokedex, go catch all the Pokémon in the world." - Professor Oak

I ran into an ex of mine today. The cops call it "Vehicular Homicide" but I call it "best road trip ever."

If we've been dating less than a year, I fart every time you leave the room. Every time.

Be careful when you send me X’s and O’s, I take that shit seriously and pick out baby names and stuff.

"Out with the old, in with the glue" - horse owners.

I'm never as naked as I want to be.

Sometimes our youngest won't fall asleep unless I put him in his car seat and drive around drunk with the headlights off.

Does this Melatonin make me look like a hippie with insomnia?

Was feeling pretty good about myself until I realized I forgot to take out my retainer at the bar b/c I've been on a 3 day drinking binge.

Yes I’m creepy enough to zoom way in on the reflection from your sunglasses to see who took your picture

Calling into work today because this squirrel totally wants to hang out and do shots.

Look, if you're going to name your kid TJ, don't act all surprised when he shows up to school with a gun & a hunting knife.

Whenever my husband goes out of town, I think about how much I miss him. Then I blow the fed ex guy. Out of sadness.

All I need is a commercial mixer, a blast chiller, submersion bath, & a moose de-boner & I could totally make this dish on Food Network.

I don’t hate anyone, but I hate burying them in the woods because that’s a lot of work.