Wtf Bashes

The worst thing about mixing flu meds & booze is I forget how many to take & now the packet's empty & I'm going to find a bobcat to steal.

Too many belly buttons in porn. It's just not for me.

The best way to make new friends is hugging strangers from behind and whispering ''this feels right.''

How do any of you afford Cocaine?

I just used a Compressed Gas Duster can on my keyboard & blew out 3 Marlboros & an entire jelly donut.

I don’t hate anyone, but I hate burying them in the woods because that’s a lot of work.

Listening to dubstep. Wait nope just accidentally ran over a family of raccoons.

Ah jees, the one time I really need to blow my nose and I've already finished the tissues to clean up my unborns.

You used to like it when I pooped with the door open. What happened to us?

Someone tell my mom wizards don't have bedtimes.

Sometimes I love you so much I just want to kill you all.

Here's an idea: Toe shoes.. You wear on your hands.. to assist when running on all fours.

"Why do we only eat bird eggs?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why not other animals eggs, like horses or giraffes?"

"Jesus Christ."

Elephants ears are so big they can hear every mean thing you say about them & they never forget so only say good stuff & call them pretty.

The reason they used to sacrifice virgins was that they wanted to hang on to the ones who put out.

I'm not picky. I just want a guy who is hotter than my ex-husband's girlfriend.

Got an idea for a movie about a group of people with everywhere to run AND everyone to turn to, they just really don't wanna.

Now that I think about it, I'm 99% certain I ate canned dog food last night.

I wish high fiving stupid people in the face with a shovel was more socially acceptable.

Was smoking in the park and saw an owl staring at me. Turns out I was high and it was just a homeless midget in a potato sack.