Asking Confessions

Yes, i have waited long enough to confess what i have done in the past, i feel like just can't stomach it anymore. The sins, the misdeeds and wrong doings that i have committed can not be expressed in words......

I have done those horrible and terrifying things for all the wrong reasons. From voyeurism,eroticism,frotteurism, stalking,self indulgence, excessive masturbation, child abuse, abusing myself,destroying my career, being a sadistic faggot, greatest sinner,being an asshole of the grandest kind, an unemployed jerk to not being a dependable son, brother or lover.....you name it and i write it.................

I feel like if could commit suicide by consuming poison or jumping off a 10 storied building or laying on a railway track or just setting myself on fire, or reporting my horrible pathetic crimes to the nearest police station or just cutting my body parts(hands, fingers, piercing my eyes and or cutting my legs)........ i have thought about everything.... i want to be punished for what i have done.. but i couldn't ...cause no matter how hard i try to punish myself i think of my godlike brother and mother and my family... i am really lucky to have a family like this. I guess they need not bear the burnt for the the sins that i have committed. But i needed to confess my dangerous and horrible sins to somebody and somewhere... had i decided to go ahead and confess my countless sins in public then my brother and mother would be hurt, they will be insulted and will no longer be able to go out in public, what i have done is what i will suffer from, they don't even know about all these things and they need not know cause they are very good, honest, godlike, understanding,caring and responsible persons....and i don't have any right to ruin their image and hurt them.... i am still suffering and maybe i will suffer for the rest of life for what i have done...i have been suffering for the last 10 years, i don't have any friends left, i am unemployed for the past 6 years, my girlfriend left me because i was a complete jerk to her, i really loved her, but now she is gone. I wish i could die or just end my life, i just don't want to experience pain anymore.... i am sick and tired of being afraid and miserable....i am isolated.. nobody misses me or wants me or loves me except for my parents and brothers.. i really thank god for giving me such wonderful brothers and parents....but i think i don't deserve them. I just want be good, responsible,dependable,caring, loving,honest.... i just wanna stop lying to myself and the world.... i just want to perform my responsibilities towards my family and the society... i just want another chance with my girlfriend and make everything alright... cause i still love her very much and want her back in my life..... i wish i could personally apologize to all the men and women whom i have hurt and mistreated and committed sins to... but they are not around... oh almighty lord, god...hey BABA LOKENATH please forgive me of all my sins and give me one last chance to rectify myself,to purify my soul, to love and like again, give me another chance to make my parents happy,make them smile and go all those worries about me go away and make them believe in me and make me a dependable son of them and a dependable brother.....please please please forgive me for what i have done... to all those whom i have committed terrible sins to....i unconditionally, on my my knees apologize to you all and beg for your forgiveness....please forgive me..............

#remorse   #regrets   #asking   #forgiveness