#ban

Is he dead?" he inquired "He looks dead." "No," snapped Maryse. "He's not dead." "Have you checked? I could kick him if you want." Mangus moved toward Jace. "Stop that!" the Inquisitor snapped, sounding like Clary's third grade teacher demanding that she stop dooling on her desk with a marker. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#dead #funny #jace-lightwood #magnus-bane #the-inquisitor

I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look. "For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon." "Poor thing," I said. "It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly. "Shut up," Sam said pleasantly. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#funny #grace-brisbane #prim #rabid #racoon

I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be allowed to marry. Or have sex. And maybe not even engage in necking, unless it’s a man and a giraffe. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#disgusting #funny #marriage #funny

I want to start a band called "Friday Have Been Cancelled" and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, "Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled." I sure hope nobody shows up because I certainly won't be there. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#band #friday #funny #funny

And it's funny because it was my grandpa who painted it shut (window) in the first place, and he had a whole storage shed full of just about every tool you could imagine. He was one of those guys who thought he could fix anything, but it never worked out quite as well as he planned. He was more of a visionary than a nuts -and bolts kind of guy. ↗

— Nicholas Sparks

#funny

You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye ↗

— Krista Alasti

#fantasy #funny #krista-alasti #shifters #taming-shadows

Humans did not want to know about non-humans. Funny thing was most non-humans felt the same way, happy to hide their abilities and talents to avoid witch hunts and wholesale slaughter. ↗

— Mary Buckham

#paranormal #urban-fantasy #funny

The white spruce forest along the banks is most inspiring, magnificent here. Down the terraced slopes and right to the water's edge on the alluvial soil it stands in ranks. ↗

— Ernest Thompson Seton

#banks #down #edge #forest #here

Rachel knew what she was doing. And when she didn't, she could improvise on the fly, coming up with options that left a lot of collateral damage but usually only hurt herself, not the people around her. It was one of the things he would never admit that he admired about her. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#into-the-woods #jenks #paranormal #rachel-morgan #romance

Stacey: "I'm surprised you haven't thrown me out." Comfort: "At your current weight, I'd need some sort of catapult. ↗

— Kristin Hannah

#humor #insult #pregnancy #sisters #humor