#bs

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more? ↗

— Chris Rock

#everyday-life #funny #humor #observational-comedy #funny

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#clubs #humor #membership #humor

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition. ↗

— Woody Allen

#atheism #humor #humor

No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?" "What?" "Oh, you'd like something simpler? ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #interrogation #police #humor

We combat obstacles in order to get repose, and when got, the repose is insupportable. ↗

— Henry Adams

#get #got #insupportable #obstacles #order

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ↗

— John Quincy Adams

#difficulties #disappear #effect #magical #obstacles

The street to obscurity is paved with athletes who can perform great feats before friendly crowds. ↗

— George Allen, Sr.

#before #crowds #feats #friendly #great

I was doing political cartoons and getting angry to the point where I felt I was going to have to start making and throwing bombs. I thought I was probably a better cartoonist than a bomb maker. ↗

— Terry Gilliam

#better #bomb #bombs #cartoonist #cartoons

[Mom] said she didn't want her youngest daughter dressed in the thrift-store clothes the rest of us wore. Mom told us we would have to go shoplifting. "Isn't that a sin?" I asked Mom. "Not exactly," Mom said. "God doesn't mind you bending the rules a little if you have good reason. It's sort of like justifiable homicide. This is justifiable pilfering. ↗

— Jeannette Walls

#family #glass-castle #jeannette-walls #family

Turns out, I couldn't catch them - or even get close to them. I realized that sharks are amazing, beautiful animals who have absolutely no interest in checking me out. ↗

— Malin Akerman

#amazing #beautiful #catch #checking #close