#ed

I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...” “Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #malfoy #order-of-the-phoenix #sarcasm #humor

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor #misattributed #spoonerism #wordplay #humor

Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#ilona-andrews #kids #on-the-edge #humor

Um," Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition." "But I feel better," Jared answered, sullen. Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#jared #stephenie-meyer #the-host #humor

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#paraphrased #humor

You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great, headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me. ↗

— Jennifer Crusie

#seduction #humor

Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#fred-weasley #humor #humor

Coach Hedge yelled,“Thar she blows! Kansas, ahoy!” “Holy Hephaestus,” Leo muttered. “He really needs to work on his shipspeak. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#heroes-of-olympus #humor #kansas #leo-valdez #percy-jackson-and-the-olympians

I'm attracted to a lot of hot guys. If Chris Hemsworth were here, I'd light him up like a firecracker with how fast I'd jump on him. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#leila #night-prince #once-burned #vlad #humor

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #breakfast #eaten #funny #grinning