#h

When he woke, daylight was coming through the glass floor, and a boy's voice said, "Oh...You are in so much trouble. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny

Oh, my god!" I said, throwing my hands over my eyes and hurtling my body against the counter. "What?" "You're naked." "I'm not naked." "I'm blind." "You're not blind. I'm wearing pants." "Oh." That was embarrassing. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

Jessamine flushed. "I do not. I mean, I did not. I mean--ugh! Charlotte, Will's being vexing." "And the sun has come up in the east," said Jem, to no one in particular. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #tattling #humor

I will remember this word," he said. "Shenanigans. It is a good word. ↗

— John Flanagan

#humor

[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to... Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing? Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away. Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO! Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad? ↗

— Bill Watterson

#humor

Hatori: "You won't get very far if you try to threaten me in THAT outfit." Yuki: "Thank you. So much. ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#humor

I'm fresh out of fucks to give. ↗

— Tucker Max

#rejection #sex #humor

Whatsoever is contrary to nature is contrary to reason, and whatsoever is contrary to reason is absurd. ↗

— Baruch Spinoza

#contrary #nature #reason #whatsoever

I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a "hands-on" damsel. ↗

— Jennifer Armintrout

#humor #strength #strong #woman #women

How do I define history? It's just one fucking thing after another" - Rudge ↗

— Alan Bennett

#humor #humor