#h

Songwriting is a bitch. And then it has puppies ↗

— Steven Tyler

#humor #music #songwriting #humor

Let me guess, Jessie. You ran across some poor woman in the park who had the misfortune of wearing a gown that clashed with yours, so you slit her throat with that clever little parasol of yours. Do I have it right?” Jessamine bared her teeth at him. “You’re being ridiculous.” “You are, you know,” Charlotte told him. “I mean, I’m wearing blue. Blue goes with everything,” Jessamine went on. “Which, really, you ought to know. You’re vain enough about your own clothes.” “Blue does not go with everything,” Will told her. “It does not go with red, for instance.” “I have a red and blue striped waistcoat,” Henry interjected, reaching for the peas. “And if that isn’t proof that those two colors should never be seen together under Heaven, I don’t know what is. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#will-herondale #humor

Did you take Joyce's engine?' 'My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor

She rolled her eyes. "Then what happened?" Rubbing his temples, he glanced at the door. "Bethany and I were making out and something happened that never happened before." Dee leaned back. A look of supreme disgust clouded her pretty face. "Uh, yuck if this is about any kind of premat-" "Oh my God, shut and listen, okay?" He dragged a hand through his hair. "we were making out, and I lost my hold on my human form. I lit up like a freaking Christmas tree. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#dee #humor #humor

After I returned to New Jersey, I thought I was safe, because I did not think Kenny G could leave the bad place, which I realize is silly now - because Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with. ↗

— Matthew Quick

#mental-illness #humor

I brought us all Big Macs,” he said happily. “I know you dig ’em, remember?” “What the…” Tohr tightened his grip on his shellan, just in case . . . well, shit, with the way things were going lately, anything could happen. “What are you doing here?” “It’s your lucky day, motherfucker. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#lassiter #humor

Remember, you’re unique. And so is everyone else. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#humor

Paranoia is just the bastard child of fear and good sense." (Charlie) "Poor thing. Let's adopt it, give it a last name and raise it right." (Jace) "You want to get it a puppy, too?" "Sure. We'll call it Panic. It and little Paranoia can play together at the park and scare the hell out of all the other kids. ↗

— D.D. Barant

#panic #paranoia #pets #humor

The world is divided by two different tribes. The people who are assholes and the people who are not. ↗

— Sherman Alexie

#humor

This one is called "Chunky Munky".' Nadia stopped with the spoon halfway to her mouth. 'But isn´t a monkey a small chattering Earth creature that lives in trees?' she asked faintly. 'Are ... are you telling me I´m eating chunks of its flesh?' 'Ugh.' Sophia shivered. 'What a thought! The poor monkeys!' Nadia felt ill. 'Is that why this stuff is called 'I Scream?' Because the animal screams when they make it into dessert? ↗

— Evangeline Anderson

#ice-cream #humor