#kid

She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her handcuffs? I thought kidnap victims were supposed to fall in love with their captors?  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fall-in-love #handcuffs #interest #kidnap #kidnapped

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. ↗

— George Carlin

#kids #parenting #role-models #humor

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor #internet #kids #teenagers #time-travel

Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is. ↗

— A.A. Milne

#humor #kids-books #humor

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God. ↗

— Scott Dikkers

#atheism #childhood #humor #kids #parenting

My new apartment might be a place where there are lots of children. They might gather on my porch to play, and when I step out for groceries, they will ask me, "Hi, do you have any kids?" and then, "Why not, don't you like kids?" "I like kids," I will explain. "I like kids very much." And when I almost run over them with my car, in my driveway, I will feel many different things. ↗

— Lorrie Moore

#kids #humor

Wait till it’s my turn to tell the story! They’ll be like ‘Bear who? ↗

— T.J. Klune

#the-kid #humor

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#factory #funny #humor #kids #labor

I've got nine kids, nine dogs, three grandkids - and one in the oven. And three parrots! ↗

— Michael Landon

#got #grandkids #i #kids #nine

If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.  ↗