#o

After the trial, I watched as another female pathologist collected maggots from a spinal column found in the desert. There was a decomposed head, too, and before leaving work she planned to simmer it and study the exposed cranium for contusions. I was asked to pass this information along to the chief medical examiner, and, looking back, I perhaps should have chosen my words more carefully. 'Fire up the kettle,' I told him. 'Ol'-fashioned skull boil at five p.m. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

I don't know anything!' Tim(Caleb) wailed. He'd never spoken a truer word in his life. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#mystery #humor

I will take his secret to the grave, telling people I meet on the way. ↗

— Tom Stoppard

#humor

Hardy! Hardy —” He had come for me. I nearly lost it then. In the wild torrent of relief and gratitude, there were at least a dozen things I wanted to tell him at once. But the first thing that came out was a fervent, “I'm so sorry I didn't have sex with you.” I heard his low laugh. “I am too. But honey, there are a couple of maintenance guys with me who can hear every word we're saying.” “I don't care,” I said desperately. “Get me out of here and I swear I'll sleep with you. ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#hardy #haven #humor #travises #humor

She is crazy. Head to head with an ogre. Loony Lolli, Sketchy Dave, Crazy Val. You're all a bunch of freaks." Val made a formal bow, dipping her head in their direction, and then sat on the blanket. Loony Luis, more likely," Lolli said, kicking her flip-flop in his direction. Luis One-Eye," Dave said. Luis smirked. "Bug-head Dave." Princess Luis," Dave said. "Prince Valiant." Val laughed, thinking of the first time Dave had called her that. "How about Dreaded Dave?" Luis leaned over, grabbing his brother in a headlock, both of them rolling on the cloth, and said, "How about Baby Brother? Baby Brother Dave?" Hey," Lolli said. "What about me? I want to be a princess like Luis. ↗

— Holly Black

#humor

That cat was a spy. You had to take a pot shot at it. It was a very clever German midget dressed up in a cheap fur coat. ↗

— J.D. Salinger

#humor #humor

Never, ever ask a former clergyman to say the blessing over a holiday dinner. Not if you like your dinner warm, anyway. ↗

— Mary Kay Andrews

#humor

I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don't you know, if you see what I mean. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #life #pondering #humor

Lori sat way back in her chair and gave him the once-over. "What in the world's gotten into Ben Lawson? jokes? Flirting? Maybe I should sleep with Molly. I think she's got a magic hooha. ↗

— Victoria Dahl

#romance #humor

Hello, little girl," he said, which was only his first big mistake. "I'm sure you want to know all about hedgehogs, eh?" "I did this one last year," said Tiffany. The man looked closer, and his grin faded. "Oh, yes," he said. "I remember. You asked all those... little questions." "I would like a question answered today," said Tiffany. "Provided it's not one about how you get baby hedgehogs," said the man. "No," said Tiffany patiently. "It's about zoology." "Zoology, eh? That's a big word, isn't it." "No, actually it isn't," said Tiffany. "Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite small. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor