#un

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn." "She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action." -Ranger and Stephanie ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#janet-evanovich #ranger #stephanie-plum #funny

What are you waiting for?" shanna asked. "He's dying! Do it!" Conner looked at Angus. "Ye do it. It was yer idea." "Nay? Ye were the first to suggest it. Ye do it." "I'm no' touching him." Conner said. He nudged Phineas "Ye do it." "I don't even know how!" Phineas poked at Robby. "You do it." "Why me?" Robby turned to Angus. "Ye're the expert. Ye do it." Angus grimaced. "I'm no' doing it. I hate the bugger." "Stop it!" Shanna screamed "You- Forget it! I'll do it myself." "Shanna you don't know how," Roman said. "Gods blood. I guess I have to do it." "You guess?" Shanna cried "Are you going to let him die?" "He threatens to kill me every time he sees me. ↗

— Kerrelyn Sparks

#funny

And I mouth into the phone, I love you, in case some of her cells pick up on the vibrations and it serves me well in the next life. If there is one. If there is a next life, I hope it's in the past; I don't think the future will be any more handleable. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#funny

She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble. ↗

— Cassandra Rose Clarke

#funny #leila #funny

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#funny #humor #funny

Coach," Annabeth said, "it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep." "Besides," Percy said, "you're starting to sound like Terminus." Hedge narrowed his eyes. "Is that an insult, Jackson? 'Cause I'll-I'll Terminus you, buddy! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #lol #percy-i-love-you-bye #roman #terminus

He let you have the pants anyway?" she asked. I had started talking about Maxon as soon as I could, eager to know how their conversation had gone. "Yeah. He was very generous about it all." "I think it's charming that he's a good winner." "He is a good winner. He's even gracious when he's gotten the raw end of things." Like a knee to the royal jewels, for example. ↗

— Kiera Cass

#funny

I shook my head. She kissed my cheek, then on her way out patted Zachary's shoulder in a way that said, If you upset Aura in her weakened state, I will end you. ↗

— Jeri Smith-Ready

#shade #funny

I should go in alone," Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. "If we both go in, it'll look to official." "So I'll just stay out here?" Skulduggery asked. "But what'll I do? There's no one to talk to. It's boring." "You're standing on the roof of a train," Valkyrie pointed out. "If you find this boring, you really need your head examined. Just wait here. I'll do what has to be done and I'll be find out. "Fine," he said, sounding grumpy. "Don't be long. ↗

— Derek Landy

#skulduggery #funny

If everyone were a parasite on society, that would just be too many artists to support. That's why I'm glad I have friends and relatives. Someday, I might even be grateful to have them. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #parasitism #funny