#un

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cowboy #funny #happy-trail #humor #saloon

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms! ↗

— William Shakespeare

#henry-iv #shakespeare #funny

My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#crazy #friends #funny #loyalty #ridiculous

Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up! ↗

— Haruki Murakami

#funny

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #language #funny

I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine - I'm here." "Is there something wrong with that?" "Absolutely. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #therapy #funny

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering. ↗

— Derek Landy

#funny

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#godmothers #humor #lol #funny

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #loser #truism #funny

And while my mind is telling me I'm flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play "you show me your perky privates and I'll show you mine. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#rules-of-attraction #funny