#un

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

Think your mother will let me drive you to school tomorrow? Now that we're all friends and united by a belief in the careful use of contraception?" My cheeks burn, the memory of my mother's mortifying behavior distracting me for a moment. "Yes," I mumble. "I think so. ↗

— Stacey Jay

#romeo #funny

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blindfold #funny #humor #karate

Fredrick gazed into the deep blue eyes of Jackson for a few seconds before answering. “I’d like the best room in the hotel.”
 “We have hundreds of rooms here, and all of them are the best.”
 “How can they all be number one? Only one can be number one.”
 “Ah, this is true. And this is false. What’s the best to you may be worst to someone else. Since every room here is completely different, each room is number one to someone, even if that same room is number two to someone else.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#competition #customer-service #funny #guest-service #hospitality

How funny we are, I thought, the way we dance about each other, each afraid of being hurt by the other. ↗

— Judith Merkle Riley

#funny

Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” only less colorful. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#dark-jar-tin-zoo #edvard-munch #funny #humor #sallow

You his brother?' 'Yes, damn it!' I burst out. "And all I want is to get my hands on whoever did this to him!' 'Funny,' said a dick dryly, 'but so do we.' I didn't like him much after that. Sarcasm is out of place when a man has just been brought face to face with personal tragedy. ("Walls That Hear You") ↗

— Cornell Woolrich

#tragedy #funny

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used as a substitute for my father. I hate to admit it, but I think a brick would make a better dad than that guy I call “The Guy That Never Calls Me.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny