#z

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#nietzsche #humor

When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#father #firefighting #heaven #hell #humor

Yes!" Narissus unslung his bow and grabbed an arrow from his dusty quiver. "The first one who get that bronze, I will like you almost as much as I like me. I might even kiss you, right after I kiss my reflection!" "Oh my gods!" the nymphs squealed. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#bronze #echo #hazel-levesque #humor #leo-valdez

Needy people are like newborns, I have come to realize. One intoxicated night and BAM! You are stuck with this problem. You finally take it home and it wants to keep you up all night and cries when it isn’t sucking on various parts of your anatomy. It wants you there for everything – rocking, feeding, burping, changing... It’s ridiculous. If I wanted a kid I would have one. Until then, grow the hell up and stand on your own two feet, you little crazy. ↗

— Chase Brooks

#drunk #humor #needy #relationships #change

I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem! ↗

— Jerry Scott

#humor #latin #zits #humor

Victor patted my hand. 'I like you, Sky. You're a fighter.' 'I am, aren't I? Hear that, Zed? No more bambi comparisons. I'm a Rottweiler -with a temper.' 'A very small Rottweiler,' said Zed, still not convinced. ↗

— Joss Stirling

#make-a-point #sky #zed #humor

But a kingdom that has once been destroyed can never come again into being; nor can the dead ever be brought back to life. ↗

— Sun Tzu

#life #sun-tzu #the-art-of-war #art

Tell me what you want, what you really, really want," he said. "Braiiinnnnssss," we said in unison. ↗

— Maureen Johnson

#zombie-spice-girls #humor

I can last two months on a good compliment. ↗

— Mark Twain

#self-realization #humor

There must be a mistake," I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy? ↗

— Chelsea M. Cameron

#hunter-zaccadelli #humor