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I think the caronavirus pandemic; divorce, anerisms, & isolatuon are messing up my head.
As an autistic boy i felt alone in the world. My dad refused me my entire life, saying he couldnt have a retard. My mom refused to set by me & abandined me for being retarded. I endured massive abuse.
I dreamed of being a knight & Captain America. I would let others hurt me; but protected others. I'd stand between victims & bullies. If attacked i quit being autistic for a moment. Its like God was using me to help others. I used only just enough force to get the attacker to stop & leave us alone.
I was amazed to discover real knights still exhist. There are actually people who worship God & dress up like knights. Thats cool. Like big kids. They raise money for Christian children.
However; theres one group who still goes to defend Holy Land it seems. Like the Crusaders. They protect Christians & Jews. They put their faith first & risk their lives to protect others like cops & soldiers. But I'm passive. I would have no problem trying to save another; ive saved lives, but i couldnt arm myself & put myself in a dangerous situation. Death doesn't scare me. But i have no desire to harm others. So i understand something about myself. I chose in my mind to pattern myself after Captain America but not King Arthur. One was defense only. The other had an offensive weapon also. So I'm a contradiction: i love the military & cops; but couldnt be one because I'd have to use deadly force, & thats not me.
As for aliens. I saw a secret US craft as a kid by a military base. I dreamed about aliens after that. I concede aliens are possible; but i just can't accept the Navy videos are alien; they have to be US secret tech.
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