Romanticism Confessions

I betrayed my friend under the pretence that I have her best interests in heart but I really want her to suffer.

My stepfather introduced me to the daughter of one of his colleagues, Annie. For a little over a year she and I have gotten closer, in fact our relationship is flawless we get along almost too well. I started following her on social media a year ago as well and her posts are well disturbing to say the least. Black and white photos, mentions of suicide, murder, psychosis, pictures of black roses with morbid poetry, 30 photos of her lips taken close up with black lipstick, pictures from The Shining, Tim button themed eeriness and lyrics from death metal songs. She told me she was goth, in the beginning I tolerated his strange all of this was. It wasn’t my business nor my concern. It got worsened. It suddenly started to pester me quite a bit, that she was romanticizing mental illnesses this much. I never realized when my bitterness took over my love for her. I was talking to a friend about her once when I just called her a creep, later I felt disgusted of myself. Once I reported one of her posts and barely regretted it. Another time, following my own suicide attempt I grew frustrated and asked her what she got out of acting so depressed all the time. Truth me told I was jealous. I was jealous that this seemingly privileged girl could act out however she pleased while I suffered in silence. I was jealous that unlike her I had to act okay. I was jealous that despite all the abuse I’ve put up with throughout my life, I had to smile and be strong, while someone else was allowed to let themselves fall apart in the face of the smallest inconvenience. Today I caved in and told my mother to inform my stepfather, to inform Annie’s parents, that I’m concerned for her wellbeing and am concerned that she is suffering from severe depression and may harm herself (my evidence being her posts). My objective is actually the hope that her actions will be met with consequence. That she’ll stop her dark and annoying posts. That she’ll stop expressing herself so much in that negative sense. I know I’m a horrible person for wanting to hurt my friend in this way. I am a horrible person and I don’t deserve her friendship. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I did it or why it matters. I hate myself and I don’t need or want pity. I can’t help but ask, what is wrong with me? why do I keep hurting people? why do I get satisfaction from it? Why do I feel like a demon.

#goth   #emo   #demon   #depression   #snitch   #romanticism