#fr

Anna took his hand to gauge the swelling. 'Let's at least put something cold around it. Frozen peas work pretty well.' 'Do I have to eat them?' 'No, you just have to inject them into a vein,' Anna said. ↗

— Antonia Michaelis

#abel-tannatek #antonia-michaelis #frozen-peas #funny #the-storyteller

Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #stealing #funny

He seemed only ... annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. "Yeah, well," he said, "the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn't really exist, leave a note. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#cassandra-clare #city-of-lost-souls #clary-fray #humor #jace-lightwood

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not? ↗

— K.A. Mitchell

#boyfriend #ever #funny #high #humor

It's because I'm pregnant, Christian." He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. "If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier. ↗

— E.L. James

#anastasia-grey #anastasia-steele #christian #christian-grey #e-l-james

You know,” he said, “P.S.S. Piss Camp.” “Yeah, I get it,” I said, “It’s just not funny. ↗

— Ripley Patton

#humor #supernatural #friendship

To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fridge #funny-humor #potluck #random #stink

Don’t be too nice to him,” I teased. “He’ll never leave. ↗

— Juliet Blackwell

#funny #joking #kindness #funny

Fuck You!' [Oskar said] 'Exuse me!' [His mom said] 'Sorry. I mean, screw you.' 'You need a time-out!' 'I need a mausoleum! ↗