#al

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#funny #funny

Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it. ↗

— James Dashner

#conceit #funny #funny

All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him. Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now's not the time to come up with stupid jokes! ↗

— Koushun Takami

#funny #mama #yutaka #funny

When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud. ↗

— Amanda Hocking

#creepy #funny #my-blood-approves #funny

We want to obviously foster a relationship that we're a partner with states; that we all share the same goals of closing the achievement gap, just as the Congress does; and that we're practical and sophisticated enough to understand what they're talking about. ↗

— Margaret Spellings

#achievement #closing #congress #does #enough

Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson." "Lake and Palmer?" "Ralph and Waldo. ↗

— Louise Penny

#funny #misattributed #neighborliness #ralph-waldo-emerson #snow

Are you suggesting I’m working with the zombies? That I paid them to pretend to attack me so that I’d trick you into letting me join you?”“Did you?” Mr. Holland demanded.“Yeah, okay,” I said in a sugar-sweet tone. “You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn’t tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend’s yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night dinner buffet, because having organs is so last season. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#paranormal-romance #sarcasm #zombie #funny

The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs." "You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?" "Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#audrey #fate-s-edge #funny #ilona-andrews #kaldar

Civilization begins with distillation ↗

— William Faulkner

#clever #faulkner #funny #funny

I am too much alien and not enough monkey to fit in here. ↗

— Melissa St. Hilaire

#fitting-in #funny #monkey #funny