#funny

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father. ↗

— Holly Hood

#family #funny #life #sarcasm #family

...mow ↗

— brandan

#funny

I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hooker. Not unless you’re not a cop.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #hooker #hospitality #hospitality-industry #hotel

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#food #funny #humor #moon #food

I want to woo you with food now that I've wooed you with words, song, and the magic of my interpretive dance. ↗

— Stacey Jay

#romeo #food

Its Batteries! I just know it! ↗

— Alison

#funny #humor #funny

I don't compute ↗

— Marissa Meyer

#funny

I'm really funny now. ↗

— Wanda Sykes

#i #now #really

All I need is your love. And money. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #money #age

And you look beautiful," she added. "I look like a cake." "But a beautiful cake. ↗

— Andrea Cremer

#nightshade #beauty