#funny

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cents #discount #dollar #drag-queen #drag-queens

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #dog #dogs #funny #girlfriend

Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?” “In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #funny #grave #halfway #funny

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#boob #costume #funny #humor #idiot

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ↗

— William Faulkner

#harsh #ironic #funny

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fight #fight-quotes #fighting #fighting-quote #fighting-quotes

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. ↗

— Johnny Depp

#funny #silence #talking #funny

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ask #fact #factor #fall-in-love #funny

Are you a female dog?" "What?" Massie asked. "Why?" "Because you are acting like a real bitch! ↗

— Lisi Harrison

#clique #comebacks #dog #female #fun

I've never really understood that. It's a funny thing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is kind of inexplicable. ↗

— Joel Coen

#characters #condescending #funny #funny thing #i