#funny

My parents didn't raise me to be religious. The closest we come to worship is the Trinity of Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I think the Merryweather cheerleaders confuse me because I missed out on Sunday School. It has to be a miracle. There is no other explanation. How else could they sleep with the football team on Saturday night and be reincarnated as virginal goddesses on Monday? ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#funny #funny

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something. ↗

— Carl Hiaasen

#always #enjoyed #funny #get #i

If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious. ↗

— Tom Hiddleston

#always #best #comedy #down #funny

My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#intellectual-property #unicorns #funny

It's funny how you call me a celebrity. Oh man. ↗

— Steven Hill

#celebrity #funny #how #man #me

I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. ↗

— Paris Hilton

#big heart #blonde #eat #funny #heart

Married?" she practically screeched, not sounding all that pleased, which left him feeling a little offended. "We're not getting married." He snorted at that. "I may have let you have your naughty little way with me for the past couple of months, but that doesn't mean I'm going to allow you to keep treating me like some dirty little boy toy. If you want to live with me then I expect you to put a ring on my finger," he said, holding up his left hand and wiggling his ring finger to punctuate his words. ↗

— R.L. Mathewson

#proposal #funny

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? ↗

— Jerry Seinfeld

#funny #funny

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. ↗

— Alfred Hitchcock

#back #belongs #brought #home #into

My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty. ↗

— Ian Hislop

#done #force #funny #gone #hadn