#funny

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

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— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#deceit #deceived #deception #delirious #funny

I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

Children should have a balanced diet. They should only consume sugar, salt, and fat in equal quantities. ↗

— Bauvard

#diet #funny #humor #diet

We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts.
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— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#communication #converse #dialogue #funny #humor

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves--survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about... ↗

— Scott Westerfeld

#funny #guilt #humor #ombies #parasites

She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cashier #confusion #daydreaming #delusional #fantasy

They sent me the script and I thought that there was something very appealing and funny about it. Also, I was familiar with Mike Myers' work in Saturday Night Live, but I did not know the extent to which he would make this creation. ↗

— Michael York

#also #appealing #creation #did #extent

I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny. ↗

— Rihanna

#date #fun #funny #i #love

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. ↗

— Elayne Boosler

#been #divorced #i #married #me

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers. ↗

— Tina Fey

#politics #professionalism #prostitution #virtues #dreams