#aliens

Morning sir, or madam, or neuter," the thing said. "This your planet, is it?" "Well, er. I suppose so," Newt said. "Had it long, have we sir?" "Not personally. I mean, as a species, about half a million years. I think." The alien exchanged glances with its colleague. "Been letting the old acid rain build up, haven't we sir," it said. "Been letting ourselves go a bit with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps?" "I'm sorry?" "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir, but your polar ice caps are below regulation size for a planet of this category, sir." "Oh, dear," said Newt. "We'll overlook it on this occasion, sir." The smaller alien walked past the car. "CO2 level up nought point five percent," it rasped, giving him a meaningful look. "You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you? ↗

— Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett (Good Omens)

#ecology #humor #humor

Captain Smek himself appeared on television for an official speech to humankind. [...] 'Noble Savages of Earth,' he said. 'Long time we have tried to live together in peace.' (It had been five months.) 'Long time have the Boov suffered under the hostileness and intolerableness of you people. With sad hearts I now concede that Boov and humans will never to exist as one.' I remember being really excited at this point. Could I possibly be hearing right? Were the Boov about to leave? I was so stupid. 'And so now I generously grant you Human Preserves - gifts of land that will be for humans forever, never to be taken away again, now.' [...] So that's when we Americans were given Florida. One state for three hundred million people. There were going to be some serious lines for the bathrooms. ↗

— Adam Rex

#humor #invasion #irony #native-americans #parody

I'd always known that when you went through one of these doors, you went to another planet, and that that other planet might be so far away, you couldn't fly there in spaceship in a million years. Somehow, the whole thing had never seemed strange before today. ↗

— Mary G. Thompson

#kids-sci-fi #kids-science-fiction #middle-grade #middle-grade-sci-fi #middle-grade-science-fiction

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#aliens #extra-terrestrial #flies #fly #flying

I'm sorry, but -I'm sorry!' I yelped and skipped backward as Gorg advanced on me. 'You were given bad information. Probably some human's fault.' I AM PRINCIPAL ANGER COORDINATOR ASSOCIATE-OF-THE-MONTH GORG FOUR-GORG! HUMANS WILL GIVE ME BAD INFORMATION AT THEIR PERIL!' He didn't look like a principal. He looked like something Hercules ought to be wrestling on the side of a vase. ↗

— Adam Rex

#humor #anger

Look, lady, I’m not going to bullshit you. I need to smoke enough crack cocaine to communicate with aliens. Give me all the money you got! ↗

— Ismael Galvan

#drugs #communication

The kid is scary. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#kids #science-fiction #space #science

And like a good neighbor, Alpha Centauri is there.” Touched by an Alien ↗

— Gini Koch

#humor #science-fiction #touched-by-an-alien #science

I saw my city gripped by fear. Because of violent acts committed by illegal aliens, my residents were afraid to shop - or even drive - on certain streets. ↗

— Lou Barletta

#afraid #because #certain #city #committed

Emergency health care for illegal aliens along the southwestern border is already costing area hospitals $200 million a year, with perhaps another $100 million in extended care costs. ↗

— Gary Miller

#already #another #area #border #care