#ay

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#backpack #being #bring #day #down

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#again #beans #because #fried #fry

I don't know what goes on behind my back... I always feel like, if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything. ↗

— Amy Heckerling

#anything #back #behind #feel #goes

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#brain #brian #call #compliment #even

People always ask me 'do you think there should be more bands doing political music?' and I say 'absolutely not.' ↗

— Serj Tankian

#absolutely not #always #ask #bands #doing

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#buy #cake #candle #got #holder

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#days #haven #i #long #slept

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#any #car #cars #coming #exactly

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #lift #literal #me #once

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#flyer #hands #here #like #saying