#ay

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! ↗

— Demetri Martin

#asked #big #bite #does #dog

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#buy #everything #good #i #i am

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#except #funeral #i #same #saying

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#day #forward #i #looking #looking forward

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#anything #dead #done #easy #get

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#bumper sticker #hang #hey #i #like

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#course #had #i #jobs #made

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#before #church #come #dropped #everybody

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#catching #especially #feeling #happen #happened

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#always #blush #first #hard #i