#co

Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it. ↗

— James Dashner

#conceit #funny #funny

It's not a stereotype if it's always true. ↗

— Daniel Tosh

#daniel-tosh #funny #funny

We want to obviously foster a relationship that we're a partner with states; that we all share the same goals of closing the achievement gap, just as the Congress does; and that we're practical and sophisticated enough to understand what they're talking about. ↗

— Margaret Spellings

#achievement #closing #congress #does #enough

Civilization begins with distillation ↗

— William Faulkner

#clever #faulkner #funny #funny

Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice as long as they are? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cousin #funny #living #orafoura #penis

I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez! ↗

— Barry Lyga

#humour #nudity #self-consciousness #funny

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume. ↗

— Jim Benton

#cute #duckling #funny #kitten #laugh

What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows. ↗

— John Green

#comedy #funny #funny

Agatha was so tight-fisted she could squeeze a penny and strangle Abe Lincoln. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#frugal #funny #funny

Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg... 'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen. ↗

— Brian Jacques

#funny #thicktail-the-stoat #funny