#com

Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium. ↗

— Gideon Defoe

#humor #karl-marx #opium #pirates #humor

If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her desk at work. ↗

— Brian P. Cleary

#observation #observational-comedy #humor

You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me." "I was ninety percent sure." "I see." Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hand to his cheek, more surprised than in pain. "What the heck was that for?" "The other ten percent. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny #humor #funny

The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. ↗

— David Mitchell

#humor #humor

Paranoia is just a heightened state of awareness. I didn't say it, but I repeat it often enough. ↗

— Gerald Everett Jones

#humor #humor

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy. ↗

— Patrick Major Dallas OR

#dogs #gun #humor #husky #metaphor

You know, you can always do a three some.” “A three some?” I frowned. “No.” He shrugged. “Just a thought.” “Yeah, a dumb one,” I spat. “Hey! I didn’t call your idea to re-wallpaper the kitchen a dumb idea!” “You have a problem with the new paper?” I demanded. “Pop, please, it’s hideous,” Trick said. ↗

— Kira

#comedy #humor #humor

If she’d been born at the right time they would have burned her over in Salem. ↗

— John Updike

#comic #humor #john-updike #humor

Has she glanced you way yet?" Twice," Nick said on a note of satisfaction. Meaning?" Nick glanced at him. "She's not completely disinterested." I see Moreland. That makes it an even half dozen hanging out for a rich wife. Four looking for their second. Rossman, the old satyr, certainly isn't likely to be much competition. What in the hell does he think he's doing anyway? He must be sixty." Basking, I should think. She hasn't given him the cold shoulder yet," Nick responded coolly. ↗

— Jaide Fox

#courting #humor #romance #humor

Adieu, Lord Dain,” she answered without turning her head. “Have a pleasant evening with your cows.” Cows? She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting. He told himself to laugh and return to his… cows. ↗

— Loretta Chase

#humor #jessica-trent #humor