#de

And you're blind?" Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored. Were you born that way?" No." How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?" Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #maximum-ride #humor

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said. China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me. ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor #sarcasm #skuldugerry-pleasant #wit #humor

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter." (Letter 16, 1657) ↗

— Blaise Pascal

#conciseness #correspondence #humor #letters #pithy

In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge! ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #motivation #humor

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #philosophy #subjectivity #humor

Ew. Someone put the dog out, "Rosalie murmured wrinkling her nose. Have you herd this one, Psycho? how do a blond's brain cells die?" She didn't say anything. Well?" I asked."Do you know the punch line or not?" She looked pointedly at the TV and ignored me. Has she heard it?" I asked Edward. No." He answered. Awesome. So you'll enjoy this, bloodsucker--a blond's brain cells die alone. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#humor

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'" "The mood will pass, sir. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#bad-mood #clothes #dejection #humor #humor

Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed. "Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs." "Really?" "Oh, yes." She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?" "They just are." "In what way?" "In a magicky way." She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?" "Not really. ↗

— Derek Landy

#derek-landy #funny #humor #magic #skulduggery-pleasant

I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. ↗

— George Carlin

#kids #parenting #role-models #humor