#do

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?" Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--" "That's very comforting, thank you. ↗

— Molly Harper

#gabriel #jane-jameson #molly-harper #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs #questions

Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun at his hip. "Nice piece!" Grandma said. "What is it? Is that a forty-five?" "It's a nine- millimeter." "Don't suppose you'd let me see it," Grandma said. "I'd sure like to get the feel of a gun like that." "No!" said everyone in unison. "I shot a chicken once," Grandma explained to Morelli. "It was an accident." "Where did you shoot it?" he finally asked. "In the gumpy," Grandma said. "Shot it clear off. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#funny

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it is now quite literally the cornerstone of one of America’s greatest ballparks.(Fenway) ↗

— Nicole McKay

#baseball #brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses

A brick pressed over each ear may protect from loud noises like a jackhammer. For softer noises that are annoying, like snoring, I’d recommend covering your ears with a blanket. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Dear Fly, I love you. If you are a mouse I am cheese. If you are a cat I am a mouse. You are a fly, so I want to be shit. ↗

— Casey Scieszka

#humor #love #funny

Thoughtful organ donors do not give to charity posthumously. They cultivate many pen pals and ship their deliveries first class. ↗

— Bauvard

#generosity #humor #organ-donor #funny

It is a known fact that pain and pleasure are the two most basic elements of life. But the secret is to simplify that fact. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #life #pain #pleasure #sadomasochism

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I think I'm supposed to "take a sad song and make it better," but that's beyond my musical ability ↗

— Sophia Bennett

#funny-and-random #music #funny

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny