#go

Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock. ↗

— Ben Hecht

#determine #going #hand #like #newspapers

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#again #beans #because #fried #fry

I don't know what goes on behind my back... I always feel like, if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything. ↗

— Amy Heckerling

#anything #back #behind #feel #goes

If you look at all the pictures of women in magazines, everybody's got a forehead that looks like a billboard. Completely blank. ↗

— Amy Heckerling

#blank #completely #everybody #forehead #got

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#ask #following #goin #going #hook

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#brain #brian #call #compliment #even

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blowing #bubble #carefree #felt #flavor

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#business #came #casino #exit #fire

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#eat #fish #fishing #go #just

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#buy #cake #candle #got #holder