#her

Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core. ↗

— Heather Brewer

#teachers #humor

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#efficiency #entitled #entitlement #funny #government

They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate. "Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on." "They're for fighting, not fashion." "So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan." "And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off." Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#butch-vishous #humor #paranormal-romance #romance #vishous-vampire

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #imperfect #humor

Did someone just call me the wine dude?” he asked in a lazy drawl. “It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#dionysus #gods #humor #names #percy-jackson-and-the-olympians

You okay?" "Fine." "Your heart's beating really fast." "Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it." He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff. "Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble." "You sound like Shane." "Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck." "Liar. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#eve-rosser #funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass

The big difference between my mom and me-- besides the fact that she is dead normal and I'm a magic-handling freak-- is that she's the real thing. She may have a slight problem seeing other people's points of view, but she's honest about it. She's a brass-bound bitch because she believes she knows best. I'm a brass-bound bitch because I don't want anyone getting close enough to find out what a whiny little knot of naked nerve endings I really am. ↗

— Robin McKinley

#magic #mothers #humor

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a fully functioning sociopath. Do your research. ↗

— Arthur Conan Doyle

#sherlock-holmes #watson #humor

She preferred imaginary heroes to real ones, because when tired of them, the former could be shut up in the tin kitchen till called for, and the latter were less manageable. ↗

— Louisa May Alcott

#imaginary #real #relationships #louisa-may-alcott

Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let's unleash her rage. Great idea. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #leo-valdez #the-lost-hero #humor